Wrenchlock Lounge

French Canadian Film Reviews: Goodfellas

2011-11-05T12:52:00.000-07:00

by Guy-Marie Tremblay, special correspondent to Wrenchlock Lounge

Dis guy, he is making a big revenue on gangster even when he is kid! Dese oder guy around him are adult guy, but he is putting a gasoline on car and selling cigarette illegal. Tabarnak! When he got arress, all dose guy are doing a big party and giving dat guy money. Dey are celebrate because dis guy have not said nodding on dose guy. Weyon don!

Den dat guy got grow up. He is having date wid dat girl, dese are funny one because she is from a part of New Yorks that got a lot of Jewish, dese Jewish are bust his balls because he is not a Jewish one. Hostie, he is even having two wedding, one on the Jewish where dey smash glass and dis oder one wid all those gangster who put a big revenue in dat bag. Dese are not godfader ganster wid a big expensive jacket, dese are guy like you are seeing all over the place.

Dey are hanging up with dis guy who is making a revenue selling wig to oder guy but want to do a big criminal at dis airport. Dis guy try to touch this Jewish on her body, but dis guy is hitting him many times on face with gun.

Dis other guy, he is doing story about dese t'ing dat have happen on the life that he got. Dese police have ask him dose question and he tell deem that dey are have to fuck dere moder, weyon! Dese guy who listen to dat story are telling him dat he is a funny one, he is funny to the point were he could be doing a revenue on a big show like Celine at Cesar Palaces. Den this guy ask why he is a funny one, he ask dem if dey are t'inking he is clown, why they laugh like dat? Why dey do dat? He is just busting dere ball, dere is a big tension because he is having a joke wid dose guy. Everybody get happy and keep taking a beer togeder and eat a big poutine.

Then dis girl, she is a Jewish and want to do shopping, but dese guy are gangster, dey don't got a Visa. This Jewish is doing a blowjob on dat guy to get a revenue, chalis de tabarnak!

Dis guy who got dose wig, he give dese guy a way to do stealing, but dey are not giving him dat revenue, dey put a knife on dis guy, neck, den dey are having fight about if dat engine is a cold one. Tabarnak, dis guy got dead one dey are talking about if dat car has problem mechanical. Chalis de tabarnak!

All dese guy are sitting on cards playing pokers with a big revenue. Dat guy begin to bust the ball on dat guy, he is kid who is bringing drinks and sandwich. Dis guy is not an expert on listening, so dat guy bus dose ball all the time. Den dis kid says dat dat guy should make fuck. Holy tabarnak, dis guy get super mad and use gun to make shooting all over dat kid! Dis guy is going down because he got dead, fuck.

Den dis guy begin doing a revenue by selling a cocaines in that jail. The wife Jewish got piss because dis other woman got dere to dat jail and have probably give him blowjob at dat place. She is helping to make a revenue with dose drogues. Den he got dat big day, dese helicopsters are flying all over the place, he his making a big lunch and driving gun to dese different place but dere are helicopsters at every place dat he go to fuck. Dese are police 'oo finally go down and arress all dose people dat are aroun dese cocaines.

Dis guy got very afraid dat he is not having any more revenue and dat dese other guy will make kill on him. So he is telling police dese t'ing, dese other guy got so mad calice de tabarnak. Dese police are putting him away from oder gangster but he is living on a bungalow in dose suburbs and not doing crimes or taking drug, he want dat on life because it got excite. Mange donc un char de marde.

French Canadian Film Reviews: The Rum Diary

2011-10-30T14:40:00.000-07:00

French Canadian Film Reviews: The Rum Diary
by Guy-Marie Tremblay, Special Correspondent to Wrenchlock Lounge
October 30, 2011

Shit Sandwich.

This Haiku Intentionally Left Blank

2011-03-25T20:16:00.000-07:00

Crack crack crack crack crack

Crack crack crack crack crack crack crack

Need a match, goddess?

Muammar Al Gat

Hafi Moammar El-Ga

Don't get me started

Whole Foods won't sell Spam

In a bag or box or can

Suzanne Vega likes

iPad 2 app app

app warlock app crack OH FUCK

GIVE ME CRACK GODDESS!!!

Barbara Walters rubbed

her mons while thinking of Qad

Daffi yeah yeah yeah

Elizabeth Tay

Lor once squirt-shit her gown at

Monaco's yacht club

That really wasn't

Newsworthy haiku but pro

Bably it is true

French Canadian Film Reviews: 2001: A Space Odyssey

2011-03-21T15:22:00.000-07:00

Dese monkey are having a hard time to eat, fuck. Dey are picking strawberry but they spend time on worrying. Den dis t’ing, metal, come from the space. It impress dem calice de tabarnak!!!

Dese monkey are trying to make a dinner but are get fuck by cat. Dis metal remind dem that dey are ‘aving a super big lunch if dey got dose t’ing around dem as tool. You got your bone, you got your bat, baseball… (h)‘it pig you got a super big lunch, ostie.

Den dis bone go into the space. It go on voyage grand. This one take many year to finish, longer even than Celine going around the Eart’ and making a concert on dose Chinese. You got two guy who are on dat mission, dey are playing chess and jogging upside down.

You got this computer on that ship. He move all dese controls on this one. He cooks dese guy poutine, he is making machine work for dese guy ‘oo are almos dead on board dat ship. This computer and dese two other guy can give interview on the TV just like Celine and Nelson and Eddy. Dis computer got crazy by saying a part is fuck. This part is not fuck, dese guy tell him this part is not fuck, the computer jumeau at Eart’s also say the part should not be fuck.

These two guy in the space say dat this is not an obvious one dat dey got. They decided not to take a poutine or a beer with dis computer for a long time. Dey are going to fuck this computer brain for some time until dese guy who are boss on dat mission can look on it and find why it is fuck.

One of these guy decide to tes part that is fuck outside dis ship. The computer cut him, weyon! Eventually dat guy got dead, and eventually dat guy get back inside dis ship. Holy tabarnak....

This guy cut the computer from t’aught. This computer begin to make singing. Den dis guy is making anoder dimension. They are spending a big time showing the time he take to go into that dimension, fuck.

Then dis guy is ‘aving a full breakfast. He is taking a coffee, he got egg, he got bacon, he got toas, he got a juice. Den he see dis metal t’ing and decide he can look at Eart’ but from in the space looking at the Eart’.

Ostie.

WTF? Monkey At The Zoo Uses Frog For Oral Sex (frog rape) [Video]

French Canadian Film Reviews: Glengarry Glen Ross

2011-03-15T05:31:00.000-07:00

Dis one is not an obvious one! Weyon.

Dese guy, they are making a sale on lands, but this is not a good land!

Dese guy are taking a beer togeder and a lunch chicken tao general at that bar, sometimes dey are taking a poutine with client dere. Dey all got office nex to dis one and dis car got dere, rouge. Dis is a very expensive one, this one impress dem all so much.

It rain so much on dat night dey t'ing dey should take a kayak! But dis guy tell dem dat dat company dat got dere business is make a new kind of revenue on that one. You can smell yourself Cadillac, you can get knife, steak, or you are going out into dat rain, fuck. If you are taking a coffee, it go down until dose guy buy this land dat you got.

Dis guy have not come to dat meeting because he is making a big bullshit on dis guy. He say, the life, this one is definitively someding dat you got, he try to make a big revenue wid dis guy. He say that if you got in a washroom making a shit for twelve hour it is like making a very intensive sex. He want to know from dis guy what kinna sex he got, his life and if this one is as good as this one he got now, Sacrament!

Dese other guy 'oo are were on dat meeting were dey make a big revenue, one from these guy say that dey make theif on dat lead. Dese lead are the best lead, dese one smells money, if you got dat one, you got one dat got Celine's number cellphone on dat weyon fuck bapteme simoaque chalice de tabarnak!!!

Somebody have make a thief on dat office, but nobody know 'oo dat one is. You got your lead, you got your contrac, you got your revenue. You got your phone, fuck.

Dey are all look for this guy, police want to talk to all dese guy but dey got to do a bullshit and dat will fuck dose guy. The boss of dose guy, he say you take dese one for today, but this guy who will get on top of dese knife, steak, he say he will not do this one! He will not do this one because it is a Patel one, dose one Patel one are going down, Tabarnak.

Dis guy is almost completing a bullshit with dis guy but police fuck on dat guy, weyon. This guy is not making a big revenue and say to boss he is better to make a job counting poutine. Not sell, fuck. But the way dey fuck him is because dis other guy say dat he know someding but he cannot know dis one unless he have make a thief of dese Celion Dion lead himself! He stole dem, we see dese money for dat one he sell on dat other guy who is making a good revenue.

This is not an abvious one! WHY YOU MAKE THAT!? What kinna film dat is?

All dese guy have been making a big curse and nobody like noding about dere job, fuck. WHY YOU MAKE THAT!? Oueste, Sacrament, Tabarnak.

CHALIS DE TABARNAK!

Qaddafi SheenQuake

2011-03-14T13:33:00.000-07:00

Due to the very dramatic, edge-of-your-seat events in Japan, for which there is a seemingly unending supply of flip-phone video that will continue to surface for the next several weeks, Muamar Quadaffi, Charlie Sheen, and the Libyan people have officially been placed on vacation.

In Libya, all adult males between the ages of eighteen and sixty-eight have been issued a free one-year subscription to Smooth magazine, three cartons of Salem 100 cigarettes, and a complimentary re-print of the September 1984 issue of Penthouse (the one where you can see Vanessa Williams chomping box).

All male children sixteen and under have been given one coupon each, redeemable in White Castle's current "Happy Stomach, Happy Wallet©" promotion, for one (01) Saver Sack© meal, with choice of Coca Cola or Fanta Orangle flavor sodas, redeemable at participating White Castle locations in Tripoli, Tobruk, and Benghazi.

All Libyan women fourteen and over will be issued one (01) paperback copy of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, an eight-ounce tin of Vegan Friendly Cucumber Body Scrub with Naturally Exfoliating Apricot Shells, and one certified pre-owned Billy Ray Cyrus bum bauble (courtesy of Christian Children's Fund).

All Libyan girls thirteen and under will be issued "meet and greet" backstage passes for Justin Beiber's upcoming Summer 2011 North African "Awe, Shock, and Canadian Cock" tour.

Mr. Sheen is reportedly taking a quiet work week to revise his introduction to the re-print of Deepak Chopra's "Free to Love Free to Heal".

Mr. Quadaffi, it is rumored, will spend a calm week preparing his taxes, catching up on TiVo'd episodes of Teen Mom 2, and choosing new music for his MySpace page.

Glengarry Glen Grunt Sculpture

2011-03-05T09:21:00.000-08:00

From: Reverend Louis Wrenchlock IV

To: J

Against my will, I am taking a poo at the office. There are fucking 3/4 inch gaps in the panels around the stall and every motherfucker who washes his hands can see me sitting here typing and shitting.

THIS VIOLATES MY DIGNITY AS A HUMAN BEING.

What the fuck is this world coming to?

RLW

From: J

To: Reverend Louis Wrenchlock IV

Dude,

We have the same problem at work here, they situated the stall so that anyone washing their hands merely needs to turn their head slightly left and all your dignity is left bare.

I call it the crack of shame. Yeah you end up facing the hand washer while you try and work out a grunt sculpture. So much shame.

In Sweden stall walls run floor to ceiling...on all four sides!! Let's get some of that in North America. Maybe we should start with a Facebook like page.

Godspeed and good luck!

French Canadian Film Reviews: "The Kids are All Right" (released in French Canada as "Dese Kid are Good One, Dis Happen On Life")

2011-02-27T14:53:00.000-08:00

You got dese womens, dey are being lesbian dat got kid. Dese are lesbian but 'aving relation normal, like dey got a bungalow, suburb. You got your minivans, you got your practice, soccer, you got your dinner. Dese kid don't got problem, nodt'ing, because their moder have made lesbian. Dese kid are two, you got your girl, you got boy.

Dese kid are good one. All kid dat age got dese t'ing growing up, dey wanna know 'ow dey figure out the life. This girl, she realize dese moders cannot be making dese kid by demself. Juliannes Moores is a good moder, she act very hippie wid dese guy, she tell dem dat dis guy t'row his sperm into a place where dey put a creme glacee and melt dis one later.

They got dose kid the same way Celine and Rene got Nelson and Eddy. Somedinglikedat.

Dis oder moder that they got, she t'ink she is being the man on dese guy. Dis one very demanding. Dis one personality not like Julianne. She could be very 'ard on kid, she tell dem dat they got to write t'anks note, dey got dese homeworks. All dese t'ing. Dis one and Julianne, when dey got a sex on each other, dey watch DVD like dey got in nightclub Parking. It is DVD for dese guy on gay lifestyle.

Weyon! They are watching these kinda DVD when ils sucent le chat. Sacrament ciboire! But dis girl make a way dat figure out who is this guy who freeze the sperm to make dem! Weyon tabarnak, fuck.

She find dis guy. Dis guy very different but he have make fader on them, so they got dese t'ing in common. Dis girl like dis guy. This guy a big opposite on saying you are making a t'ank you note tonight because I say you are doing dis one. Dis girl like dat guy.

These guy all take a big lunch togeder. Dey are five on dat dinner. Julianne like dis guy. This oder lesbian mad, fuck. She t'ink dis guy is not making a poutine like you should. But Julianne made a new business, dis guy say you can do that business, and Julianne start to do it. Dey are almost like dey are taking a beer togeder. While Julianne is dere at the bungalow this guy, they got a sex together and she want to do smoking!

Viarge tabarnak!

Dese kid find out dis happen, everybody find out. Dis guy have been assholes but it happen because he try to t'ink of different life, and dese parent all have dis happen do dem. Everbody got dat one when dey got forty, forty five. Somedinglikedat.

Annette Benning's is very upset on this one but dis is what happen in da life. The kid got mad but dey are okay. Dey look like they are not taking a wine or a poutine togeder for a while but den dey realize that dis is just the life and dey will eventually all got back to this place where dey can have a beer and a poutine.

Ostie.

French Canadian Film Reviews: The Social Network

2011-02-25T13:51:00.000-08:00

This guy, he an expert on 'acking. In Arvards, this girl t'ink he is not good on the body language, so he write these softwares. This guy, 'acker, expert.

Dey got dese software already, udder guy say why dis software is a good one. You got your Friendsters you got your MySpaces, you got dese community, Geocity.

This is not a good one!

Dese guy say Aarvards people got that service because it is a good one. Arvards is the best one, Celine Dion would use this one. Dese guy are okay, sometime they are three or four taking a beer and sometime dey get a poutine.

Dese guy think that dis idea is the best one, but he take it and he make site web from dis one and don't tell dese other guy dat he is making this one.

Tabarnak!

Dese other guy go to 'ead of Arvards, dey say that this guy, he got thief on these guy. Dis 'ead say he don't care about dis one, dis guy is making 'acking very popular. Acking does is even get popular in Quebec province.

Dis guy afraid to do anyt'ing about what he got.

Den all dese guy are sue. In that movie dese are all having sue so many time that we see this one two time, fuck!

We see dat dese guy all are still taking a beer together but doing a lot of hour on dis site web. Justin Timberlakes impress dese guy so much! You got your caviar, you got your bottles, 1942, you got your appletini. Justin Timberlakes pays dem a lunch. Dis whole t'ing get so bigger that they are not all taking a beer together anymore.

All dese guy stop so much to have fight but first lawyer say that this guy got to pay dese other guy a lot of beer.

Dey are not having poutine together anymore.

Tabarnak!

Show Biz Outer Monologue

2009-12-04T07:39:00.000-08:00

Come on come on come on. Gimme corn, Larry. Corn. CORN MOTHERFUCKER! Enough to fill that bowl. No, the smaller one. Well where the fuck do you think it is? Yes I know one cannot be "less equal" than any other one. Try not to be so mathematical. My Yoga teacher whispered that to me while she was licking my nipples. My wife gave me Yoga lessons for the Holidays. The universe is filled with magic! It's like the sun and love and happy and children and my BMW.

Now my bikini wax is at four today and I want to listen to that Suzanne Vega song during that session. Make sure you put it on my iPod. No, the old Nano. What, you think you can pull my dick? That bowl is only half full - AND I TOLD YOU I WANTED THE BOWL FULL. Don't pull my dick!

SUCK MY DICK IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT ENOUGH CORN IS! YOU'LL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN. I know good corn when I see it. That's nice corn! Probably from Indiana.

Frank, see this report? Are you fuckin' stupid? WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH PEOPLE LIKE YOU WORKING FOR ME YOU WORTHLESS LITTLE COCKSUCKER! I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU'RE GAY, YOU TRY ME, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU FUCKIN' TRY ME. My lawyer went to Oxford. How about yours, Jimmy? TRY ME! Where'd your lawyer go? You like your job, Frank? Huh? Kids eating okay? I want you to do this whole report over. You won't have time? Well then fuck you I guess, right?

Wait, you're not Frank, you're Jimmy! Sorry Jim. JIM! JIM JIM JIM. Remember those whores in Cabo, Jim? Oh, Jesus Christ! Nice report Jim. Yes. Fucking great. Oh, the fuckin' Powerpoint on that was brilliant. Work with me here Jim. Jim! Can I hire her to do the art? How much is she? TWENTY an hour? Fuck her. Brilliant art, Frank. No Jimmy! They were all laughing. Think of all that fucking money! I really like that tie, Jimmy, where can I get one? No I couldn't lube it up this morning but I will on Sunday night. Oh, sure sure sure. Love ya babe. Asshole.

Larry where's my fucking latte you fucking idiot?! You're fired! I said extra hot. I want it here in five minutes. Where the FUCK is my iPod?

You want this corn to burn my mouth? SUE YOU YEAH I'LL SUE YOU. YOU TRY ME. Jim be with you in a second. Love you babe. ASSHOLE! A FULL BOWL. YOU KNOW WHAT A FUCKIN' BOWL IS DICKHEAD? My lawyer went to Oxford. Yeah you get health insurance after a year but that's not even my fucking job to know that. You do your job, I'll do mine. Can't you read? I still don't have my latte. No latte, no happy. Know what that means Frank?

The Way the Wind Blows

2009-10-23T15:00:00.000-07:00

Why is there a "Brazilian Fart Fetish"? Viz.:

There is an array of questions I need answered, please:

Does a Brazilian fart smell differently from, say, one produced in Alberta? Or Maldives?
Does a lesbian fart executed in Brazil have a distinct and erotic sound, worthy of placement on the international fetish stage (e.g. Youtube)? If not, why aren't there things like "Kansas City Fart Fetish" and "Chocolate Fart Bitches" or "Asian Gas Hoze # 37"?
What about the same lesbian executing the same fart in Argentina, or Colombia? Any change in timbre or smell? Would the same lesbian's partner notice a change of context? Argentina and Colombia are at much higher altitudes. What affect does this have? Is it dangerous to sniff a lesbian fart at five thousand feet?
What about Central America?
Would a devout Christian be committing a sin by masturbating to these films? Would he or she need to convert to Judaism to avoid eternal damnation? Or would you need to become a Hindu?
If you made a film where Angelia Jolie climbed to the top of Machu Picchu, ate four cans of baked beans and a head of broccoli, then bent over and sprayed a seventy-five thousand liter fart onto Lindsay Lohan's face, would the resulting sound and explosion be so overwhelmingly awe-striking that tens of thousands of indigenous South Americans would willfully commit ritual suicide?
Pursuant to 6. and 3. and 2. above, if Jim Jones had known about Brazilian Fart Fetish, would he have had to spend all that money on Kool Aid?
Pursuant to 6. and 3. and 2. above, couldn't the Brazil Fart Fetish become an effective weapon in The War on Drugs?
Is it possible that Rosie O'Donnell enjoys Brazilian Fart Fetish films, but her partner prefers Rwandan Fart Fetish films, hence producing strife and discord in the marriage?
If a lesbian I know has amassed a large collection of Brazilian Fart Fetish material, but I am concerned that the activity contributes to global warming, what should I do? Has the government of Brazil produced a pamphlet that I can have as a safety guide?

Thank you in advance for helping me with my questions!

Our Condolences

2009-10-17T23:28:00.000-07:00

The guy that did the balloon hoax is:

Richard Heene
5434 Fossil Ridge Drive West
Fort Collins, CO 80525-3822
(970) 204-0482

This guy apparently loves attention and publicity, so after the police put charges on his fuckin' child-endangering ass later today, why not give him a call and say "hi!"?

It's okay to endanger children to further your status as a web celebrity!

2009-10-16T12:21:00.000-07:00

I know that its de rigueur for the media to be all squankled, flimmixed, and asunder these days, so to point out something truly and wickedly fucked to the max is a bit like mentioning that Joan Rivers’ cooter looks like an Arby’s double-decked roast beef sandwich about to pass through a black hole and into another dimension.

(If you don’t get that comparison / image / whatever, I’m really sorry, okay? When I came up with the notion of Ms. River’s fuzzbox having a multi-dimensional form factor, if you will, the phrase I typed seemed right and true and obvious, like a Quebecois haggling with a barista over the price of a latte. Going back now to read the description and to try to piece it together, however, I can see several different ways to put it better, and quite frankly I think that whole paragraph sux horse cox and is off topic, but what the fuck, right? I mean the thing about America is that if you said you done it, and you done it, you done it, it’s there, it’s done, and you done did it, and you done better move on to the next thing you want done.)

(Oh, sorry, Joan Rivers and Arby’s. I’m sure all of you have really nice shiny cooters and beef and are wonderful people who would never in a million years think about passing through a singularity, and are very sympathetic especially to Cambodian infants born addicted to crack.)

Here’s the thing: The day after the great hoaxy-hoax I’ll-do-anything-to-become-a-web-celebrity-even-if-means-endangering-my-kid balloon incident, CNN.com ran the following headline:

Dad grateful 'balloon boy' still among us.

People love lists of ten, so here is a list of nine hypothetical headlines of precisely equal relevance:

Chimpanzee thinks about Jesus Christ.

Kitten perplexed with other kitten's piss.

Grandmother despondent over rhombic cookie dough deploy.

Horse excited at prospect of releasing gas through asshole.

Chicken pleased it is not dead.

Earthworm contemplates T.S. Eliot as ancient Egyptian service animal.

Girlfriend reminded of last night's orgasm while taping Fed Ex box shut.

Retarded factory worker reminisces about time he pounded own pudding to Gilligan’s Island episode.

Author perplexed by fact that “Gilligan” is apparently in Microsoft Word dictionary, strongly reconsiders prospect of recreational drug use.

Parakeet Enorme

2009-09-30T12:51:00.000-07:00

If Celine and René had any business sense, they'd make a Pay-Per-View event out of the birth of their next child. I mentioned this to the dickweeds over in advertising and marketing, and they said they were going to need to get a team in there to start doing concept sketches and storyboarding this... which is an excuse (in the advertising business) to fire a few pounds of coke and Comet up the nose, sample some gonorrhea from a former Eastern Bloc country, and get so smashed you'd make Charles Bukowski look like Bill W..

Actually, fuck the team, none of those things are very much fun. Also, last week, I went into the bathroom and one of the people that works in advertising was just coming out of one of the stalls and I said "hi" and they said "hi" and I had a lot on my mind and I then used the same stall but when I opened the toilet seat there was a little biscuit floating around in there still and I can't be around that person without that event preoccupying me anyhow. I think I'll just do the sketches myself. Thumbing through my copies of "The Inferno" and listening to Joan Rivers read "The Bell Jar" on tape, it'll put me close enough to the other side of the Styx that, pretty much, the drugs and whores and booze can all go get fucked, innit?

My parakeet Marcus escaped this morning. This made me very sad, so I took a bath. I heard a pecking at the window a few hours later when I decided to get dressed to go shopping for razor blades, and it was Marcus. But he was seventy-five feet tall and was wearing a t-shirt that said "If you thought parakeets were green, wait until you see my enlarged gonads." Confused, I said "Marcus, what does your tee shirt mean?" He said "Fuck you, asshole, you're not the boss of me. Anyways, you tell me, what does your shirt mean?" And I said "it means what it says." And he said "what does it say?" and I showed him the tee shirt I was wearing which said "It says 'Fuck you, asshole, you're not the boss of me.'"

Then I said, "have you seen the back of my tee-shirt, Marcus?", and he said "No." I turned around so he could read the back, which says "If you have wings and you're wearing a tee-shirt, you cannot fly." Marcus stood, perplexed. It's funny, a seventy-five foot parakeet's expression of perplexosity is the same as in a parakeet only four inches tall.

The dictionary doesn't confirm that "perplexosity" is a word. But the dictionary is wrong. If the right word is "perplexion", and you're perplexed, you would use an acne cream to feel square about it all again, huh? That can't be right. The correct adjective is perplexosity.

That reminds me: The book Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand needs less sex and more giant parakeets. Especially every time Dagny Taggart gets her cooter fluffed afresh, which seems to happen every chapter in that book. Also to illustrate philosophical points. Like a monsterkeet pooping on a train track in New Mexico would pretty much condense forty pages into a paragraph. Ayn Rand was a tree-killer and produced more greenhouse gas than any other writer in history.

While Celine is giving birth to Le Enfant de Income Stream Nouveau, I want to hear and see Oompa-Loompas singing and dancing "I Want Candy" by Bow Wow Wow, I want neon and argon lasers, I want the best visual effects artists in the world, the guys who work for Pink Floyd and Rush. I'd also like to see Julio Inglesias skull-fuck Joan Rivers somewhere in the background, but I don't think that would play well in the latin countries, so fuck that idea. Only when the Oompa-Loompas are doing the episiotomy should the music change... to I dunno. This is where web comments and radio phone-in segments are useful. Call me at (877) 555-1515 to complete this paragraph. If you don't get me on the first try, keep dialing until I answer.

Maybe Marcus can make me some new t-shirts, like "I saw Celine's new baby before she did and it only cost $49.99" and "parakeets rule" and "parakeets rule especially when they are seventy-five feet tall and you try switching from seeds to krill and see if that doesn't fuck you square."

Don't forget, boys. If your date can spell "Chlamydia," she probably has it.

♫♫ I want candy... ♫♫

Letter To The Editor

2009-07-01T19:56:00.000-07:00

July 1, 2009
Watermelon Abacus,

When sharply eaten have been to pounding lemonade chickens with warnings coming from mirth and wine slumberings shaped by teeth, it suggests that flat is best. Humps sometimes are good, but from sideways the turn is making three to four amounts not sanctioned by Phyllis or Henry.

Sometimes this puts much harmony within the bee-straps, but for why they are not having a simple hovercraft for these kinds of tasks? Isn't the money of the taxpayer finding too much of a layover in the buttock-shank of the city official and Phyllis and Henry? For smearings:

Make a pie bouncing at Jeremy.
If sometimes I think this is too large, there are creams and books.
Yes, if only juices could be produced on time, Phyllis and Henry have latex which might last a year at altitudes above five thousand feet.

It was from many moons that Wolf made corn which communicated with the Sky Monkey, thereby enabling concrete ladling the likes of which were seen best by your grandmother and some of the ladies with whom she discovered what butter was for. This is not to insult Henry, but it thrusts new fluxotine balloons at Phyllis. Frog piston launches upon fedora willingly when the sledded Pollack have sickings with the shitake mushroom. Splash banana fifteen? History will make a decision, for certain, but if the bull has porcelain kneecaps, should we really care that much?

I would pull caramel into spiral growths for the sake of my grandchildren. But when my eyeballs fall to protect the job of the scythe and the spoonings of Henry and Phyllis, is there that much apoplexis for which Mandrove the Quigglethrax will in future shave fur off?

Yours Sincerely,
Dimitrios F. M. Pleanthquinklouchanimpousilousinapapadalodauformithikaskasthrax

Thank You Note for Aunt Milly

2009-06-15T14:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Mrs. Ashtoefore,

Thank you for the wonderful porcelain fruit bowl from Spain! It was well crafted and Jennifer didn't "have an accident" when she saw it like last time up at the lake. I can see it was crafted by experts and that you paid a lot of money for it. The bowl was smashed up when it arrived, though, and we were wondering if you intended for us to receive it this way? What should we do with it? Do you want it back? We're very confused and hold you responsible. I was shaking the package and a few pieces fell down into my face and cut my eyelids, cheeks, nose, and lips... I was cut and bled for about three hours. But it was okay because I put on some Willy Nelson and drank three-quarters of a bottle of mop-n-glo.

Remember our gerbil, Phyllis? She committed suicide! Yup. Electrocuted herself with two toothpicks and a nine-volt battery. I didn't think that was possible. My old literature professor says that it's a metaphor for defiance against necessitated societal power structures... I say sometimes a gerbil just goes over and there's no looking back, no matter how many prayers you've said, even the ones you say when you're gettin' pounded from behind.

I have worms again, but the pictures are in color this time! Jennifer made cole slaw for dinner and is out late every night getting her cooter flossed by the Smith boy, the one from over Bayfield. The parrots have loaded the trebuchet with that mixture of suet and goat beer and can't wait for the home game.

We miss you so much... But we are so happy you aren't visiting because pretty honestly you're a really dirty old slut and we don't want the kids to look up to you or be influenced by you in any way! Whore.

Kindly,
RLW

If you don't think French Canadians are irritating, you need psychotropic medication

2009-03-12T10:13:00.000-07:00

I wrote a computer program to translate Canadian French into American English.

I wanted to automate this process because listening to most French Canadians speak English is approximately as relaxing as having Barbara Streisand freebasing an 8-ball while performing simultaneous root canal therapy on three of your front teeth while Heinrich Himmler solders your jewels to a car battery.

To test out my computer program, I used "Paul Revere" by the Beastie Boys as an input. For reference, here are the lyrics as originally written:

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/beastieboys/paulrevere.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJv8A-IYU5o

Here is the output of my computer program:

Paul Revere’s

You got your story, I gonna tell dis one.
These guy are very popular, Quebec province…
These guy are call Adrocks, MCA’s and Mike D’s.
You got your horse, you got your beer...

Dey are riding around, the police look for these guy…

He got very lonely, dere no other Beastie…

I am under the sun in my hat, baseball.
The sun get very intense, the beer is going down.

I am running into this guy, I say “Howdy’s” he is saying “Hi.”

He say dis t’ing,
I t’ink he tell dat to a bunch of different guy…
This guy run for four day and he got t’irsty.

He don’t got no beer, but I got mine.
His t’roat sound sandpaper, he say he want dis beer.
I say TABERNAC!

Dis guy got a gun, shot.
He is putting dis one near my faces and he say:

My name, M.C.A.’s, I can kill dose guy
You got your ill, your got your outlaw, you got your beer.

I am the senior here, I say what happen.
So he got dis gun, I t’ink t’ing will be on party or somedinlikedat.

Now I am having the gun
You got this beer
You don’t need t’ink dis hard on dis one
You can get shots or you are being my partner
Dis guy say he is being my partners if I am getting him to Ontario.

This police don’t like what happen to his daughter,
You got your ball, you got your bat, you got your wiffle, I am doing all dese t’ing.

I say my name Adrock's, this one is my names.
I know this place where dey got a good booze.

We drive, many hour den we get dis place
Dey got a good music in dere, Celine Dion is playing

I t’ink this one guy know us, we are sitting next to this guy.
M.C.A.’s is sayings if I know dis guy,
I say I don’t know dis guy!

This guy say this is very dramatic, I am Mike D’s and I take you one million dollar.
He pull this gun, he shoot, sky,
He yell “put de hand, this side!”, he shoot two time.
He kill dese guy who run away.

I’m Mike D’s and you got your respect
I need your one million dollar, tabernac!

M.C.A.’s, I like dis guy, so I hit this guy on face, hard, fuck, tabernac.

This guy go down, the Celine Dion stop to play.

Mike D’s got one million dollar, tabernac!

M.C.A. got the gold, fuck.
I got more beer, TABERNAC!

Fiat Lux Proboscidea

2009-03-06T04:50:00.000-08:00

Not many people know this, but Thomas Edison did a lot of work designing the stage shows for Pink Floyd concerts in the 1970's. Viz.:

For Further Meditation: Haiku, Yore

2009-01-29T18:21:00.000-08:00

Rescued from the archives, still more joy of sex... Sorry, did I say sex? I meant Haiku. Viz.:

Frogs chew gummy bear
Antelope walks north toward Rome
Popcorn with butter

Toast tastes nice with jam
Eggs bacon sausage or spam
Orange, nothing rhymes

Nostril hair, goat, fish
Florence Henderson deep throat
My feet hurt slightly

Rhythm swoons with red
Gentle motion, zephyr, silk
Infant worm is starved

It is very hard
For seven to follow five
Six still feels quite odd

Suzanne Vega sings
My cellular telephone
Rings I’ve got to go

Yore Twitter Number One

2009-01-29T06:45:00.000-08:00

I spent most of the morning spooning my fiancé. This was, of course, just after I'd forked her. I'm so happy... One day, she will be my knife.

Haiku Centrifuge Donkey Preparations

2009-01-28T20:33:00.000-08:00

Saint Vitus twitter
Synaptic dither
Matters not wither

Erotic Nostril
We'll make a blanket for Dave
Knit with me, Jenny

Meet me at the store
Meditation's such a bore
More soy sauce, Dennis?

Todd Bridges Murder
Diff'rent Strokes for Diff'rent Folks
Dana Plato, Dead

Yaks eat soup for fun
Monkeys don't like cummerbunds
If fruit, then exit

Haiku Centrifuge Donkey Preparations

2009-01-28T20:05:00.000-08:00

Saint Vitus twitter
Digital synapse dither
Matters not wither

Erotic Nostril
We'll make a blanket for Dave
Knit with me, Jenny

Meet me at the store
Meditation's such a bore
Dennis! More soy sauce?

Todd Bridges Murder
Diff'rent Strokes for Diff'rent Folks
Dana Plato, Dead

Yaks eat soup for fun
Monkeys don't like cummerbunds
If fruit then exit