Thank You Note for Aunt Milly

Dear Mrs. Ashtoefore,

Thank you for the wonderful porcelain fruit bowl from Spain! It was well crafted and Jennifer didn't "have an accident" when she saw it like last time up at the lake. I can see it was crafted by experts and that you paid a lot of money for it. The bowl was smashed up when it arrived, though, and we were wondering if you intended for us to receive it this way? What should we do with it? Do you want it back? We're very confused and hold you responsible. I was shaking the package and a few pieces fell down into my face and cut my eyelids, cheeks, nose, and lips... I was cut and bled for about three hours. But it was okay because I put on some Willy Nelson and drank three-quarters of a bottle of mop-n-glo.

Remember our gerbil, Phyllis? She committed suicide! Yup. Electrocuted herself with two toothpicks and a nine-volt battery. I didn't think that was possible. My old literature professor says that it's a metaphor for defiance against necessitated societal power structures... I say sometimes a gerbil just goes over and there's no looking back, no matter how many prayers you've said, even the ones you say when you're gettin' pounded from behind.

I have worms again, but the pictures are in color this time! Jennifer made cole slaw for dinner and is out late every night getting her cooter flossed by the Smith boy, the one from over Bayfield. The parrots have loaded the trebuchet with that mixture of suet and goat beer and can't wait for the home game.

We miss you so much... But we are so happy you aren't visiting because pretty honestly you're a really dirty old slut and we don't want the kids to look up to you or be influenced by you in any way! Whore.

Kindly,
RLW

If you don't think French Canadians are irritating, you need psychotropic medication

I wrote a computer program to translate Canadian French into American English.

I wanted to automate this process because listening to most French Canadians speak English is approximately as relaxing as having Barbara Streisand freebasing an 8-ball while performing simultaneous root canal therapy on three of your front teeth while Heinrich Himmler solders your jewels to a car battery.

To test out my computer program, I used "Paul Revere" by the Beastie Boys as an input. For reference, here are the lyrics as originally written:

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/beastieboys/paulrevere.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJv8A-IYU5o

Here is the output of my computer program:

Paul Revere’s

You got your story, I gonna tell dis one.
These guy are very popular, Quebec province…
These guy are call Adrocks, MCA’s and Mike D’s.
You got your horse, you got your beer...

Dey are riding around, the police look for these guy…

He got very lonely, dere no other Beastie…

I am under the sun in my hat, baseball.
The sun get very intense, the beer is going down.

I am running into this guy, I say “Howdy’s” he is saying “Hi.”


He say dis t’ing,
I t’ink he tell dat to a bunch of different guy…
This guy run for four day and he got t’irsty.

He don’t got no beer, but I got mine.
His t’roat sound sandpaper, he say he want dis beer.
I say TABERNAC!

Dis guy got a gun, shot.
He is putting dis one near my faces and he say:

My name, M.C.A.’s, I can kill dose guy
You got your ill, your got your outlaw, you got your beer.


I am the senior here, I say what happen.
So he got dis gun, I t’ink t’ing will be on party or somedinlikedat.


Now I am having the gun
You got this beer
You don’t need t’ink dis hard on dis one
You can get shots or you are being my partner
Dis guy say he is being my partners if I am getting him to Ontario.

This police don’t like what happen to his daughter,
You got your ball, you got your bat, you got your wiffle, I am doing all dese t’ing.

I say my name Adrock's, this one is my names.
I know this place where dey got a good booze.

We drive, many hour den we get dis place
Dey got a good music in dere, Celine Dion is playing

I t’ink this one guy know us, we are sitting next to this guy.
M.C.A.’s is sayings if I know dis guy,
I say I don’t know dis guy!

This guy say this is very dramatic, I am Mike D’s and I take you one million dollar.
He pull this gun, he shoot, sky,
He yell “put de hand, this side!”, he shoot two time.
He kill dese guy who run away.

I’m Mike D’s and you got your respect
I need your one million dollar, tabernac!

M.C.A.’s, I like dis guy, so I hit this guy on face, hard, fuck, tabernac.

This guy go down, the Celine Dion stop to play.

Mike D’s got one million dollar, tabernac!

M.C.A. got the gold, fuck.
I got more beer, TABERNAC!

Fiat Lux Proboscidea

Not many people know this, but Thomas Edison did a lot of work designing the stage shows for Pink Floyd concerts in the 1970's. Viz.: