Furry Fan Mail

Dan Writes:

Dear Mr. Wrenchlock:

While I otherwise enjoy your colum or blog or whatever, I was shocked and upset by the racist and bigoted things you and J said against FURRIES.

As a active member of the Ontario Graduate Students Who Get Off On Fur (OGSWGOOF) I am offended that people cant see my sexual preference as normal. Furries should be allowed to marry, Furries should be allowed to express whatever preference they perfer in terms of squirrels and in terms of ponies. In terms of what I want, I like that I live in a country that let's me choose their sexual preference, wether its a squirrel or a pony. What we do isn't ilegal. We dont hurt people.

I vote and pay my taxes and I pay my bills. If I want to have my friend, another graduate student here in Ontario studying performance poetry who likes to dress up as a black and yellow hampster named Benni, if I want to have him touch my scrotum so that I can imagine my scrotum is made of fur, that's not ilegal. Whose to say that is wrong?

Truly Yours

Dan from Ontario

Dear Dan,

First of all, I'm not truly yours. Truly.

Second: You make good points. However, at the end of the day, when you have a sexual fantasy, it's this:

You tell me, how can that be right?


Don't forget, if the Nazis had won World War Two, there would be mandatory state-run "Chest Shitting Fridays" at beer halls across the whole free world. Also, women would be allowed and encouraged to micturate on an interviewer's chest during a job interview to vie for a better salary.

I will not trade my liberty for shit, piss, or fur. That was originally on the license plates in Ontario, but the prisoners got so tired making them they had to watch My Little Pony episodes just before their afternoon siesta.

Fond Wishes,
Reverend Louis Wrenchlock IV

Furry # 1

From: RLWrenchlockIV

To: J

Subject: Furry

J,

Have you yourself ever worn animal fur for sexual gratification, or do you know someone in the Furry lifestyle?

There are sex toys for furries, viz.:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/sex-toys-for-furries-nsfw

Sincere Regards,

RLWrenchlockIV

===

From: J

To: RLWrenchlockIV

Subject: RE: Furry

Nope I can't say that I have nor can I even pretend to understand why this is such a turn on for these folks. Seems messy and sweaty and gross. You'd spend a ton of money on a furry get up and then you have the task of getting all that body fluid out of it. Pretty gross if you asked me.  In my opinion this fetish is too labor intensive. 

As I understand it, it's kids who got all fired up at some point watching cartoons and their limbic system is now accustomed to anthropomorphized animals. Probably mommy and daddy were too busy to care for them so they got fed cartoons all day.

J

===

From: RLWrenchlockIV

To: J

Subject: Furry

I don't see how a motherfucking pink fuzzy bear, however cute, could ever supplant a nice juicy vagina or a nice smooth asscrack. For fuck's sake.

I think you are right... Cartoons for too long, and the kids weren't given enough room by the parents to sneak away with a nice copy of "Steamed Clams" or the modern iterations (viz. ePorn).

If the internet produces people who need a fuzzy pony in order to blow their wad, I might want to move to a cabin in Montana and shit in a lawnmower shed. Seriously dude.

===

From: J

To: RLWrenchlockIV

Subject: Furry

well if I know anything about fetishists, I'd have to say that the guys and girls are not supplanting the human version of the genitals in their fantasy and furry role play, rather they are thinking of them but with an additional twist. Kinda like cherry coke but way worse...you still like coke, but you want some cherry with it too.  Some people hate cherry coke.

I can't personally say they are bad but yeah, the Montanna cabin sounds like a good plan regardless of the furry fetishists. If you can imagine it, somewhere someone in the world is getting their wad blown to (on, for? ) it.  The cosplay people worry me something fierce as well.  Look I'm an elf warrior!! Yaaay!!!  No you like a fucking retard..oh god no...oh god please don't do a sword routine while singing a fan made song....nooooooo it's tooo awful.

But hey knock yourself out if that's what you like, just don't expect me to be as enthusiastic about your shameful public display.

===

From: RLWrenchlockIV

To: J

Subject: Furry

You make excellent points, but I don't know if people should be allowed to do this shit when there are a couple of hundred million kids picking bedbugs out of their pubic hair so they can eat lunch.


I mean, seriously, motherfucker. You want to stick a finger into the asscrack of a lavender pony? Have you thought about what you just said? Okay, tell you what, douche: You go to the cosplay convention and look for ponies, and all the pussy you ignore, I'll check it out. Deal, motherfucker?

I'm starting to think that if you have the disposable income and time to dress up like a gnome while one of the four polys in your homespace needs to go express his non-possessiveness by jerking off a fucking purple bear, you should be eliminated from the gene pool.

And with the cosplay people in general, I say it would be nice to watch someone throw kerosene on those fuckers. Because quite honestly I haven't seen enough people running around burning to death in the city streets lately. Have you? Every fairy who wants to protest something these days writes a stupid fuckin' blog or goes screaming and jabbering on CNN. Or creates a dumbfuck "occupy" movement. Life used to be nice when there were people on fire running around the streets. 

Remember those days?

===

From: J

To: RLWrenchlockIV

Subject: Furry

yeah I really don't understand it. I saw some my little pony erotica and was pretty weirded out...I don't know how you get excited about it or want to collect it or want to view it. I looked at it because it was fucked...and then I moved on. Either the world is waaaaay more fucked then it used to be or it's the fact that I am older and have a different perspective. in my opinion the world is waaaaay more fucked...and it just gets exponentially worse.  Soon it will be acceptable to suck giant clear jelly dongs in public spaces or to just straight up shit yourself while at a restaurant. No biggie, just took a dump in my pants. Text text text, twitter twitter...

Letter To The Editor

July 1, 2009
Watermelon Abacus,

When sharply eaten have been to pounding lemonade chickens with warnings coming from mirth and wine slumberings shaped by teeth, it suggests that flat is best. Humps sometimes are good, but from sideways the turn is making three to four amounts not sanctioned by Phyllis or Henry.

Sometimes this puts much harmony within the bee-straps, but for why they are not having a simple hovercraft for these kinds of tasks? Isn't the money of the taxpayer finding too much of a layover in the buttock-shank of the city official and Phyllis and Henry? For smearings:

1. Make a pie bouncing at Jeremy.
2. If sometimes I think this is too large, there are creams and books.
3. Yes, if only juices could be produced on time, Phyllis and Henry have latex which might last a year at altitudes above five thousand feet.
   

It was from many moons that Wolf made corn which communicated with the Sky Monkey, thereby enabling concrete ladling the likes of which were seen best by your grandmother and some of the ladies with whom she discovered what butter was for. This is not to insult Henry, but it thrusts new fluxotine balloons at Phyllis. Frog piston launches upon fedora willingly when the sledded Pollack have sickings with the shitake mushroom. Splash banana fifteen? History will make a decision, for certain, but if the bull has porcelain kneecaps, should we really care that much?

I would pull caramel into spiral growths for the sake of my grandchildren. But when my eyeballs fall to protect the job of the scythe and the spoonings of Henry and Phyllis, is there that much apoplexis for which Mandrove the Quigglethrax will in future shave fur off?

Yours Sincerely,
Dimitrios F. M. Pleanthquinklouchanimpousilousinapapadalodauformithikaskasthrax

If you don't think French Canadians are irritating, you need psychotropic medication

I wrote a computer program to translate Canadian French into American English.

I wanted to automate this process because listening to most French Canadians speak English is approximately as relaxing as having Barbara Streisand freebasing an 8-ball while performing simultaneous root canal therapy on three of your front teeth while Heinrich Himmler solders your jewels to a car battery.

To test out my computer program, I used "Paul Revere" by the Beastie Boys as an input. For reference, here are the lyrics as originally written:

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/beastieboys/paulrevere.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJv8A-IYU5o

Here is the output of my computer program:

Paul Revere’s

You got your story, I gonna tell dis one.
These guy are very popular, Quebec province…
These guy are call Adrocks, MCA’s and Mike D’s.
You got your horse, you got your beer...

Dey are riding around, the police look for these guy…

He got very lonely, dere no other Beastie…

I am under the sun in my hat, baseball.
The sun get very intense, the beer is going down.

I am running into this guy, I say “Howdy’s” he is saying “Hi.”


He say dis t’ing,
I t’ink he tell dat to a bunch of different guy…
This guy run for four day and he got t’irsty.

He don’t got no beer, but I got mine.
His t’roat sound sandpaper, he say he want dis beer.
I say TABERNAC!

Dis guy got a gun, shot.
He is putting dis one near my faces and he say:

My name, M.C.A.’s, I can kill dose guy
You got your ill, your got your outlaw, you got your beer.


I am the senior here, I say what happen.
So he got dis gun, I t’ink t’ing will be on party or somedinlikedat.


Now I am having the gun
You got this beer
You don’t need t’ink dis hard on dis one
You can get shots or you are being my partner
Dis guy say he is being my partners if I am getting him to Ontario.

This police don’t like what happen to his daughter,
You got your ball, you got your bat, you got your wiffle, I am doing all dese t’ing.

I say my name Adrock's, this one is my names.
I know this place where dey got a good booze.

We drive, many hour den we get dis place
Dey got a good music in dere, Celine Dion is playing

I t’ink this one guy know us, we are sitting next to this guy.
M.C.A.’s is sayings if I know dis guy,
I say I don’t know dis guy!

This guy say this is very dramatic, I am Mike D’s and I take you one million dollar.
He pull this gun, he shoot, sky,
He yell “put de hand, this side!”, he shoot two time.
He kill dese guy who run away.

I’m Mike D’s and you got your respect
I need your one million dollar, tabernac!

M.C.A.’s, I like dis guy, so I hit this guy on face, hard, fuck, tabernac.

This guy go down, the Celine Dion stop to play.

Mike D’s got one million dollar, tabernac!

M.C.A. got the gold, fuck.
I got more beer, TABERNAC!