Furry Fan Mail

Dan Writes:

Dear Mr. Wrenchlock:

While I otherwise enjoy your colum or blog or whatever, I was shocked and upset by the racist and bigoted things you and J said against FURRIES.

As a active member of the Ontario Graduate Students Who Get Off On Fur (OGSWGOOF) I am offended that people cant see my sexual preference as normal. Furries should be allowed to marry, Furries should be allowed to express whatever preference they perfer in terms of squirrels and in terms of ponies. In terms of what I want, I like that I live in a country that let's me choose their sexual preference, wether its a squirrel or a pony. What we do isn't ilegal. We dont hurt people.

I vote and pay my taxes and I pay my bills. If I want to have my friend, another graduate student here in Ontario studying performance poetry who likes to dress up as a black and yellow hampster named Benni, if I want to have him touch my scrotum so that I can imagine my scrotum is made of fur, that's not ilegal. Whose to say that is wrong?

Truly Yours

Dan from Ontario

Dear Dan,

First of all, I'm not truly yours. Truly.

Second: You make good points. However, at the end of the day, when you have a sexual fantasy, it's this:

You tell me, how can that be right?


Don't forget, if the Nazis had won World War Two, there would be mandatory state-run "Chest Shitting Fridays" at beer halls across the whole free world. Also, women would be allowed and encouraged to micturate on an interviewer's chest during a job interview to vie for a better salary.

I will not trade my liberty for shit, piss, or fur. That was originally on the license plates in Ontario, but the prisoners got so tired making them they had to watch My Little Pony episodes just before their afternoon siesta.

Fond Wishes,
Reverend Louis Wrenchlock IV

French Canadian Film Reviews: Goodfellas

by Guy-Marie Tremblay, special correspondent to Wrenchlock Lounge

Dis guy, he is making a big revenue on gangster even when he is kid! Dese oder guy around him are adult guy, but he is putting a gasoline on car and selling cigarette illegal. Tabarnak! When he got arress, all dose guy are doing a big party and giving dat guy money. Dey are celebrate because dis guy have not said nodding on dose guy. Weyon don!

Den dat guy got grow up. He is having date wid dat girl, dese are funny one because she is from a part of New Yorks that got a lot of Jewish, dese Jewish are bust his balls because he is not a Jewish one. Hostie, he is even having two wedding, one on the Jewish where dey smash glass and dis oder one wid all those gangster who put a big revenue in dat bag. Dese are not godfader ganster wid a big expensive jacket, dese are guy like you are seeing all over the place.

Dey are hanging up with dis guy who is making a revenue selling wig to oder guy but want to do a big criminal at dis airport. Dis guy try to touch this Jewish on her body, but dis guy is hitting him many times on face with gun. 

Dis other guy, he is doing story about dese t'ing dat have happen on the life that he got. Dese police have ask him dose question and he tell deem that dey are have to fuck dere moder, weyon! Dese guy who listen to dat story are telling him dat he is a funny one, he is funny to the point were he could be doing a revenue on a big show like Celine at Cesar Palaces. Den this guy ask why he is a funny one, he ask dem if dey are t'inking he is clown, why they laugh like dat? Why dey do dat? He is just busting dere ball, dere is a big tension because he is having a joke wid dose guy. Everybody get happy and keep taking a beer togeder and eat a big poutine.

Then dis girl, she is a Jewish and want to do shopping, but dese guy are gangster, dey don't got a Visa. This Jewish is doing a blowjob on dat guy to get a revenue, chalis de tabarnak!

Dis guy who got dose wig, he give dese guy a way to do stealing, but dey are not giving him dat revenue, dey put a knife on dis guy, neck, den dey are having fight about if dat engine is a cold one. Tabarnak, dis guy got dead one dey are talking about if dat car has problem mechanical. Chalis de tabarnak!

All dese guy are sitting on cards playing pokers with a big revenue. Dat guy begin to bust the ball on dat guy, he is kid who is bringing drinks and sandwich. Dis guy is not an expert on listening, so dat guy bus dose ball all the time. Den dis kid says dat dat guy should make fuck. Holy tabarnak, dis guy get super mad and use gun to make shooting all over dat kid! Dis guy is going down because he got dead, fuck.

Den dis guy begin doing a revenue by selling a cocaines in that jail. The wife Jewish got piss because dis other woman got dere to dat jail and have probably give him blowjob at dat place. She is helping to make a revenue with dose drogues. Den he got dat big day, dese helicopsters are flying all over the place, he his making a big lunch and driving gun to dese different place but dere are helicopsters at every place dat he go to fuck. Dese are police 'oo finally go down and arress all dose people dat are aroun dese cocaines.

Dis guy got very afraid dat he is not having any more revenue and dat dese other guy will make kill on him. So he is telling police dese t'ing, dese other guy got so mad calice de tabarnak. Dese police are putting him away from oder gangster but he is living on a bungalow in dose suburbs and not doing crimes or taking drug, he want dat on life because it got excite. Mange donc un char de marde.

French Canadian Film Reviews: The Social Network

This guy, he an expert on 'acking. In Arvards, this girl t'ink he is not good on the body language, so he write these softwares. This guy, 'acker, expert.

Dey got dese software already, udder guy say why dis software is a good one. You got your Friendsters you got your MySpaces, you got dese community, Geocity.

This is not a good one!

Dese guy say Aarvards people got that service because it is a good one. Arvards is the best one, Celine Dion would use this one. Dese guy are okay, sometime they are three or four taking a beer and sometime dey get a poutine.

Dese guy think that dis idea is the best one, but he take it and he make site web from dis one and don't tell dese other guy dat he is making this one.

Tabarnak!

Dese other guy go to 'ead of Arvards, dey say that this guy, he got thief on these guy. Dis 'ead say he don't care about dis one, dis guy is making 'acking very popular. Acking does is even get popular in Quebec province.

Dis guy afraid to do anyt'ing about what he got.

Den all dese guy are sue. In that movie dese are all having sue so many time that we see this one two time, fuck!

We see dat dese guy all are still taking a beer together but doing a lot of hour on dis site web. Justin Timberlakes impress dese guy so much! You got your caviar, you got your bottles, 1942, you got your appletini. Justin Timberlakes pays dem a lunch. Dis whole t'ing get so bigger that they are not all taking a beer together anymore.

All dese guy stop so much to have fight but first lawyer say that this guy got to pay dese other guy a lot of beer.

Dey are not having poutine together anymore.

Tabarnak!

The Way the Wind Blows

Why is there a "Brazilian Fart Fetish"? Viz.:



There is an array of questions I need answered, please:

1. Does a Brazilian fart smell differently from, say, one produced in Alberta? Or Maldives?
2. Does a lesbian fart executed in Brazil have a distinct and erotic sound, worthy of placement on the international fetish stage (e.g. Youtube)? If not, why aren't there things like "Kansas City Fart Fetish" and "Chocolate Fart Bitches" or "Asian Gas Hoze # 37"?
3. What about the same lesbian executing the same fart in Argentina, or Colombia? Any change in timbre or smell? Would the same lesbian's partner notice a change of context? Argentina and Colombia are at much higher altitudes. What affect does this have? Is it dangerous to sniff a lesbian fart at five thousand feet?
4. What about Central America?
   
5. Would a devout Christian be committing a sin by masturbating to these films? Would he or she need to convert to Judaism to avoid eternal damnation? Or would you need to become a Hindu?
   
6. If you made a film where Angelia Jolie climbed to the top of Machu Picchu, ate four cans of baked beans and a head of broccoli, then bent over and sprayed a seventy-five thousand liter fart onto Lindsay Lohan's face, would the resulting sound and explosion be so overwhelmingly awe-striking that tens of thousands of indigenous South Americans would willfully commit ritual suicide?
7. Pursuant to 6. and 3. and 2. above, if Jim Jones had known about Brazilian Fart Fetish, would he have had to spend all that money on Kool Aid?
8. Pursuant to 6. and 3. and 2. above, couldn't the Brazil Fart Fetish become an effective weapon in The War on Drugs?
9. Is it possible that Rosie O'Donnell enjoys Brazilian Fart Fetish films, but her partner prefers Rwandan Fart Fetish films, hence producing strife and discord in the marriage?
10. If a lesbian I know has amassed a large collection of Brazilian Fart Fetish material, but I am concerned that the activity contributes to global warming, what should I do? Has the government of Brazil produced a pamphlet that I can have as a safety guide?

Thank you in advance for helping me with my questions!

It's okay to endanger children to further your status as a web celebrity!

I know that its de rigueur for the media to be all squankled, flimmixed, and asunder these days, so to point out something truly and wickedly fucked to the max is a bit like mentioning that Joan Rivers’ cooter looks like an Arby’s double-decked roast beef sandwich about to pass through a black hole and into another dimension.

(If you don’t get that comparison / image / whatever, I’m really sorry, okay? When I came up with the notion of Ms. River’s fuzzbox having a multi-dimensional form factor, if you will, the phrase I typed seemed right and true and obvious, like a Quebecois haggling with a barista over the price of a latte. Going back now to read the description and to try to piece it together, however, I can see several different ways to put it better, and quite frankly I think that whole paragraph sux horse cox and is off topic, but what the fuck, right? I mean the thing about America is that if you said you done it, and you done it, you done it, it’s there, it’s done, and you done did it, and you done better move on to the next thing you want done.)

(Oh, sorry, Joan Rivers and Arby’s. I’m sure all of you have really nice shiny cooters and beef and are wonderful people who would never in a million years think about passing through a singularity, and are very sympathetic especially to Cambodian infants born addicted to crack.)

Here’s the thing: The day after the great hoaxy-hoax I’ll-do-anything-to-become-a-web-celebrity-even-if-means-endangering-my-kid balloon incident, CNN.com ran the following headline:

Dad grateful 'balloon boy' still among us.

People love lists of ten, so here is a list of nine hypothetical headlines of precisely equal relevance:

Chimpanzee thinks about Jesus Christ.

Kitten perplexed with other kitten's piss.

Grandmother despondent over rhombic cookie dough deploy.

Horse excited at prospect of releasing gas through asshole.

Chicken pleased it is not dead.

Earthworm contemplates T.S. Eliot as ancient Egyptian service animal.

Girlfriend reminded of last night's orgasm while taping Fed Ex box shut.

Retarded factory worker reminisces about time he pounded own pudding to Gilligan’s Island episode.

Author perplexed by fact that “Gilligan” is apparently in Microsoft Word dictionary, strongly reconsiders prospect of recreational drug use.

Parakeet Enorme

If Celine and René had any business sense, they'd make a Pay-Per-View event out of the birth of their next child. I mentioned this to the dickweeds over in advertising and marketing, and they said they were going to need to get a team in there to start doing concept sketches and storyboarding this... which is an excuse (in the advertising business) to fire a few pounds of coke and Comet up the nose, sample some gonorrhea from a former Eastern Bloc country, and get so smashed you'd make Charles Bukowski look like Bill W..

Actually, fuck the team, none of those things are very much fun. Also, last week, I went into the bathroom and one of the people that works in advertising was just coming out of one of the stalls and I said "hi" and they said "hi" and I had a lot on my mind and I then used the same stall but when I opened the toilet seat there was a little biscuit floating around in there still and I can't be around that person without that event preoccupying me anyhow. I think I'll just do the sketches myself. Thumbing through my copies of "The Inferno" and listening to Joan Rivers read "The Bell Jar" on tape, it'll put me close enough to the other side of the Styx that, pretty much, the drugs and whores and booze can all go get fucked, innit?

My parakeet Marcus escaped this morning. This made me very sad, so I took a bath. I heard a pecking at the window a few hours later when I decided to get dressed to go shopping for razor blades, and it was Marcus. But he was seventy-five feet tall and was wearing a t-shirt that said "If you thought parakeets were green, wait until you see my enlarged gonads." Confused, I said "Marcus, what does your tee shirt mean?" He said "Fuck you, asshole, you're not the boss of me. Anyways, you tell me, what does your shirt mean?" And I said "it means what it says." And he said "what does it say?" and I showed him the tee shirt I was wearing which said "It says 'Fuck you, asshole, you're not the boss of me.'"

Then I said, "have you seen the back of my tee-shirt, Marcus?", and he said "No." I turned around so he could read the back, which says "If you have wings and you're wearing a tee-shirt, you cannot fly." Marcus stood, perplexed. It's funny, a seventy-five foot parakeet's expression of perplexosity is the same as in a parakeet only four inches tall.

The dictionary doesn't confirm that "perplexosity" is a word. But the dictionary is wrong. If the right word is "perplexion", and you're perplexed, you would use an acne cream to feel square about it all again, huh? That can't be right. The correct adjective is perplexosity.

That reminds me: The book Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand needs less sex and more giant parakeets. Especially every time Dagny Taggart gets her cooter fluffed afresh, which seems to happen every chapter in that book. Also to illustrate philosophical points. Like a monsterkeet pooping on a train track in New Mexico would pretty much condense forty pages into a paragraph. Ayn Rand was a tree-killer and produced more greenhouse gas than any other writer in history.

While Celine is giving birth to Le Enfant de Income Stream Nouveau, I want to hear and see Oompa-Loompas singing and dancing "I Want Candy" by Bow Wow Wow, I want neon and argon lasers, I want the best visual effects artists in the world, the guys who work for Pink Floyd and Rush. I'd also like to see Julio Inglesias skull-fuck Joan Rivers somewhere in the background, but I don't think that would play well in the latin countries, so fuck that idea. Only when the Oompa-Loompas are doing the episiotomy should the music change... to I dunno. This is where web comments and radio phone-in segments are useful. Call me at (877) 555-1515 to complete this paragraph. If you don't get me on the first try, keep dialing until I answer.

Maybe Marcus can make me some new t-shirts, like "I saw Celine's new baby before she did and it only cost $49.99" and "parakeets rule" and "parakeets rule especially when they are seventy-five feet tall and you try switching from seeds to krill and see if that doesn't fuck you square."

Don't forget, boys. If your date can spell "Chlamydia," she probably has it.

♫♫ I want candy... ♫♫

If you don't think French Canadians are irritating, you need psychotropic medication

I wrote a computer program to translate Canadian French into American English.

I wanted to automate this process because listening to most French Canadians speak English is approximately as relaxing as having Barbara Streisand freebasing an 8-ball while performing simultaneous root canal therapy on three of your front teeth while Heinrich Himmler solders your jewels to a car battery.

To test out my computer program, I used "Paul Revere" by the Beastie Boys as an input. For reference, here are the lyrics as originally written:

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/beastieboys/paulrevere.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJv8A-IYU5o

Here is the output of my computer program:

Paul Revere’s

You got your story, I gonna tell dis one.
These guy are very popular, Quebec province…
These guy are call Adrocks, MCA’s and Mike D’s.
You got your horse, you got your beer...

Dey are riding around, the police look for these guy…

He got very lonely, dere no other Beastie…

I am under the sun in my hat, baseball.
The sun get very intense, the beer is going down.

I am running into this guy, I say “Howdy’s” he is saying “Hi.”


He say dis t’ing,
I t’ink he tell dat to a bunch of different guy…
This guy run for four day and he got t’irsty.

He don’t got no beer, but I got mine.
His t’roat sound sandpaper, he say he want dis beer.
I say TABERNAC!

Dis guy got a gun, shot.
He is putting dis one near my faces and he say:

My name, M.C.A.’s, I can kill dose guy
You got your ill, your got your outlaw, you got your beer.


I am the senior here, I say what happen.
So he got dis gun, I t’ink t’ing will be on party or somedinlikedat.


Now I am having the gun
You got this beer
You don’t need t’ink dis hard on dis one
You can get shots or you are being my partner
Dis guy say he is being my partners if I am getting him to Ontario.

This police don’t like what happen to his daughter,
You got your ball, you got your bat, you got your wiffle, I am doing all dese t’ing.

I say my name Adrock's, this one is my names.
I know this place where dey got a good booze.

We drive, many hour den we get dis place
Dey got a good music in dere, Celine Dion is playing

I t’ink this one guy know us, we are sitting next to this guy.
M.C.A.’s is sayings if I know dis guy,
I say I don’t know dis guy!

This guy say this is very dramatic, I am Mike D’s and I take you one million dollar.
He pull this gun, he shoot, sky,
He yell “put de hand, this side!”, he shoot two time.
He kill dese guy who run away.

I’m Mike D’s and you got your respect
I need your one million dollar, tabernac!

M.C.A.’s, I like dis guy, so I hit this guy on face, hard, fuck, tabernac.

This guy go down, the Celine Dion stop to play.

Mike D’s got one million dollar, tabernac!

M.C.A. got the gold, fuck.
I got more beer, TABERNAC!