Defecant Morning Zoo

Vastly, as my youth wore
Asunder with respect to in terms
of
We make wacky noise to discuss
Sex story
Yak, enucleated upon the retarded walrus.
Scorcher there, Bob?

Fake News # 6

• An excellent illustration of the failure of so-called “core curriculum” standards is that, although American students are taught that there are 4 states of matter, 25 distinct states of matter have so far been uncovered: 21 of them were discovered in a country other than the United States.
   
• Each year, all of the penguins on the Earth’s surface walk 25 times farther than the entire population of Sweden.
   
• The average rate at which a Facebook user sees a “friend” in real life is once every fifty six months.
• 
  Vatican City has a fully functioning plumbing system devoted exclusively to bidets.
   
• The country with the most islands is Canada.
   
• All of the characters in Frank Herbert’s science fiction classic “Dune” are famous names from the Danish Royal Family, from 1560 to 1840.
   
• Consensus science has proven to be more useful to mankind than conventional science, since more people can agree more quickly about what is true and what is false.
   
• In 2010, it was revealed that from 1969 to 1986, UK television star Patrick McGoohan (The Saint, The Prisoner) played the character “Doo-Bee” on the highly popular syndicated children’s television program “Romper Room”. Here is a clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDvdSGkN0aU
   
• Canadians say “yes” an average of 6,500 times per year. Americans say “no” an average of 13,500 times per year.
   
• In a costly multinational construction project that will take over ten years to complete, the Panama canal will double in size. Many watchdog and activist groups have viewed this as suspicious and unnecessary, since the amount of waterfront property around the canal will more than quadruple.

Furry Fan Mail

Dan Writes:

Dear Mr. Wrenchlock:

While I otherwise enjoy your colum or blog or whatever, I was shocked and upset by the racist and bigoted things you and J said against FURRIES.

As a active member of the Ontario Graduate Students Who Get Off On Fur (OGSWGOOF) I am offended that people cant see my sexual preference as normal. Furries should be allowed to marry, Furries should be allowed to express whatever preference they perfer in terms of squirrels and in terms of ponies. In terms of what I want, I like that I live in a country that let's me choose their sexual preference, wether its a squirrel or a pony. What we do isn't ilegal. We dont hurt people.

I vote and pay my taxes and I pay my bills. If I want to have my friend, another graduate student here in Ontario studying performance poetry who likes to dress up as a black and yellow hampster named Benni, if I want to have him touch my scrotum so that I can imagine my scrotum is made of fur, that's not ilegal. Whose to say that is wrong?

Truly Yours

Dan from Ontario

Dear Dan,

First of all, I'm not truly yours. Truly.

Second: You make good points. However, at the end of the day, when you have a sexual fantasy, it's this:

You tell me, how can that be right?


Don't forget, if the Nazis had won World War Two, there would be mandatory state-run "Chest Shitting Fridays" at beer halls across the whole free world. Also, women would be allowed and encouraged to micturate on an interviewer's chest during a job interview to vie for a better salary.

I will not trade my liberty for shit, piss, or fur. That was originally on the license plates in Ontario, but the prisoners got so tired making them they had to watch My Little Pony episodes just before their afternoon siesta.

Fond Wishes,
Reverend Louis Wrenchlock IV

Show Biz Outer Monologue

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For Further Meditation: Haiku, Yore

Rescued from the archives, still more joy of sex... Sorry, did I say sex? I meant Haiku. Viz.:

Frogs chew gummy bear
Antelope walks north toward Rome
Popcorn with butter

Toast tastes nice with jam
Eggs bacon sausage or spam
Orange, nothing rhymes

Nostril hair, goat, fish
Florence Henderson deep throat
My feet hurt slightly

Rhythm swoons with red
Gentle motion, zephyr, silk
Infant worm is starved

It is very hard
For seven to follow five
Six still feels quite odd

Suzanne Vega sings
My cellular telephone
Rings I’ve got to go