Thursday, August 9, 2012

Furry Fan Mail

Dan Writes:

Dear Mr. Wrenchlock:

While I otherwise enjoy your colum or blog or whatever, I was shocked and upset by the racist and bigoted things you and J said against FURRIES.

As a active member of the Ontario Graduate Students Who Get Off On Fur (OGSWGOOF) I am offended that people cant see my sexual preference as normal. Furries should be allowed to marry, Furries should be allowed to express whatever preference they perfer in terms of squirrels and in terms of ponies. In terms of what I want, I like that I live in a country that let's me choose their sexual preference, wether its a squirrel or a pony. What we do isn't ilegal. We dont hurt people.

I vote and pay my taxes and I pay my bills. If I want to have my friend, another graduate student here in Ontario studying performance poetry who likes to dress up as a black and yellow hampster named Benni, if I want to have him touch my scrotum so that I can imagine my scrotum is made of fur, that's not ilegal. Whose to say that is wrong?

Truly Yours
Dan from Ontario

Dear Dan,

First of all, I'm not truly yours. Truly.

Second: You make good points. However, at the end of the day, when you have a sexual fantasy, it's this:

You tell me, how can that be right?

Don't forget, if the Nazis had won World War Two, there would be mandatory state-run "Chest Shitting Fridays" at beer halls across the whole free world. Also, women would be allowed and encouraged to micturate on an interviewer's chest during a job interview to vie for a better salary.

I will not trade my liberty for shit, piss, or fur. That was originally on the license plates in Ontario, but the prisoners got so tired making them they had to watch My Little Pony episodes just before their afternoon siesta.

Fond Wishes,
Reverend Louis Wrenchlock IV