Friday, October 23, 2009

The Way the Wind Blows

Why is there a "Brazilian Fart Fetish"? Viz.:

There is an array of questions I need answered, please:
  1. Does a Brazilian fart smell differently from, say, one produced in Alberta? Or Maldives?
  2. Does a lesbian fart executed in Brazil have a distinct and erotic sound, worthy of placement on the international fetish stage (e.g. Youtube)? If not, why aren't there things like "Kansas City Fart Fetish" and "Chocolate Fart Bitches" or "Asian Gas Hoze # 37"?
  3. What about the same lesbian executing the same fart in Argentina, or Colombia? Any change in timbre or smell? Would the same lesbian's partner notice a change of context? Argentina and Colombia are at much higher altitudes. What affect does this have? Is it dangerous to sniff a lesbian fart at five thousand feet?
  4. What about Central America?
  5. Would a devout Christian be committing a sin by masturbating to these films? Would he or she need to convert to Judaism to avoid eternal damnation? Or would you need to become a Hindu?
  6. If you made a film where Angelia Jolie climbed to the top of Machu Picchu, ate four cans of baked beans and a head of broccoli, then bent over and sprayed a seventy-five thousand liter fart onto Lindsay Lohan's face, would the resulting sound and explosion be so overwhelmingly awe-striking that tens of thousands of indigenous South Americans would willfully commit ritual suicide?
  7. Pursuant to 6. and 3. and 2. above, if Jim Jones had known about Brazilian Fart Fetish, would he have had to spend all that money on Kool Aid?
  8. Pursuant to 6. and 3. and 2. above, couldn't the Brazil Fart Fetish become an effective weapon in The War on Drugs?
  9. Is it possible that Rosie O'Donnell enjoys Brazilian Fart Fetish films, but her partner prefers Rwandan Fart Fetish films, hence producing strife and discord in the marriage?
  10. If a lesbian I know has amassed a large collection of Brazilian Fart Fetish material, but I am concerned that the activity contributes to global warming, what should I do? Has the government of Brazil produced a pamphlet that I can have as a safety guide?
Thank you in advance for helping me with my questions!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Our Condolences

The guy that did the balloon hoax is:

Richard Heene
5434 Fossil Ridge Drive West
Fort Collins, CO 80525-3822
(970) 204-0482

This guy apparently loves attention and publicity, so after the police put charges on his fuckin' child-endangering ass later today, why not give him a call and say "hi!"?

Friday, October 16, 2009

It's okay to endanger children to further your status as a web celebrity!

I know that its de rigueur for the media to be all squankled, flimmixed, and asunder these days, so to point out something truly and wickedly fucked to the max is a bit like mentioning that Joan Rivers’ cooter looks like an Arby’s double-decked roast beef sandwich about to pass through a black hole and into another dimension.

(If you don’t get that comparison / image / whatever, I’m really sorry, okay? When I came up with the notion of Ms. River’s fuzzbox having a multi-dimensional form factor, if you will, the phrase I typed seemed right and true and obvious, like a Quebecois haggling with a barista over the price of a latte. Going back now to read the description and to try to piece it together, however, I can see several different ways to put it better, and quite frankly I think that whole paragraph sux horse cox and is off topic, but what the fuck, right? I mean the thing about America is that if you said you done it, and you done it, you done it, it’s there, it’s done, and you done did it, and you done better move on to the next thing you want done.)

(Oh, sorry, Joan Rivers and Arby’s. I’m sure all of you have really nice shiny cooters and beef and are wonderful people who would never in a million years think about passing through a singularity, and are very sympathetic especially to Cambodian infants born addicted to crack.)

Here’s the thing: The day after the great hoaxy-hoax I’ll-do-anything-to-become-a-web-celebrity-even-if-means-endangering-my-kid balloon incident, ran the following headline:

Dad grateful 'balloon boy' still among us.

People love lists of ten, so here is a list of nine hypothetical headlines of precisely equal relevance:

Chimpanzee thinks about Jesus Christ.

Kitten perplexed with other kitten's piss.

Grandmother despondent over rhombic cookie dough deploy.

Horse excited at prospect of releasing gas through asshole.

Chicken pleased it is not dead.

Earthworm contemplates T.S. Eliot as ancient Egyptian service animal.

Girlfriend reminded of last night's orgasm while taping Fed Ex box shut.

Retarded factory worker reminisces about time he pounded own pudding to Gilligan’s Island episode.

Author perplexed by fact that “Gilligan” is apparently in Microsoft Word dictionary, strongly reconsiders prospect of recreational drug use.