Thursday, October 5, 2017

Respond with Text

Many email services, new phones, and operating systems offer the ability to automatically reply to a text message when the user is busy.

I found many of the suggested "auto replies" to be lackluster, and, for ordinary household use, I suggest you try any three of the following ten for a week:

  1. What the fuck?
  2. I don't understand. This happened in February! And why is purple more expensive?
  3. Dennis?
  4. Yeah, I wanted to, but it's still sticky.
  5. Should I tell your sister when I see her later?
  6. Wow, fuck that!
  7. You're not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you?
  8. Wow, you're a few fries short of a happy meal, aren't you?
  9. I'm getting a blowjob right now.
  10. I'm giving a blowjob right now.

Let me know how it goes!

Sunday, October 1, 2017

Fake News # 6

  • An excellent illustration of the failure of so-called “core curriculum” standards is that, although American students are taught that there are 4 states of matter, 25 distinct states of matter have so far been uncovered: 21 of them were discovered in a country other than the United States.
  • Each year, all of the penguins on the Earth’s surface walk 25 times farther than the entire population of Sweden.
  • The average rate at which a Facebook user sees a “friend” in real life is once every fifty six months.

  • Vatican City has a fully functioning plumbing system devoted exclusively to bidets.
  • The country with the most islands is Canada.
  • All of the characters in Frank Herbert’s science fiction classic “Dune” are famous names from the Danish Royal Family, from 1560 to 1840.
  • Consensus science has proven to be more useful to mankind than conventional science, since more people can agree more quickly about what is true and what is false.
  • In 2010, it was revealed that from 1969 to 1986, UK television star Patrick McGoohan (The Saint, The Prisoner) played the character “Doo-Bee” on the highly popular syndicated children’s television program “Romper Room”. Here is a clip:
  • Canadians say “yes” an average of 6,500 times per year. Americans say “no” an average of 13,500 times per year.
  • In a costly multinational construction project that will take over ten years to complete, the Panama canal will double in size. Many watchdog and activist groups have viewed this as suspicious and unnecessary, since the amount of waterfront property around the canal will more than quadruple.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Fake News, #5

  • Prior to the wide-spread use of anesthesia, patients requiring amputation were given a tobacco enema until the resulting nicotine poisoning exhausted the patient’s entire neuromuscular system, making them still enough for the surgeon to perform the operation. 
  • Slenderman has been DJing at a rave club in Western Manitoba since 1983.
  • HTML 6.2, a web technology that will not allow a statement to be posted to the web or used in an e-mail unless it is true, is currently under development at the IANA in Switzerland.
  • The state of Minneapolis has more freshwater lakes than the entire country of Canada.
  • Howard Hughes, a skilled aviator who conducted secret intelligence missions for the United States, flew his last solo mission for several hours over London, England, wearing no clothing whatsoever. 
  • Jupiter’s moon Europa experiences over one hundred tsunamis each year.
  • Adolf Hitler’s likeness generates over three million dollars of licensing revenue every year.
  • Pink Flamingos get the color in their skin from crustaceans living in industrialized seawater.
  • Because of lackadaisical product labeling regulations in Minnesota, laundry detergent pods have become a health epidemic by exploding in children’s throats.
  • There are four breeds of poultry approved for the production of chicken wings in the United States, a breed each for small, medium, large, and extra-large chicken wings.
  • The netting of shellfish and the clubbing of baby seals and other maritime game is forbidden along Jerusalem’s Whaling Wall.