French Canadian Film Reviews: Goodfellas

by Guy-Marie Tremblay, special correspondent to Wrenchlock Lounge

Dis guy, he is making a big revenue on gangster even when he is kid! Dese oder guy around him are adult guy, but he is putting a gasoline on car and selling cigarette illegal. Tabarnak! When he got arress, all dose guy are doing a big party and giving dat guy money. Dey are celebrate because dis guy have not said nodding on dose guy. Weyon don!

Den dat guy got grow up. He is having date wid dat girl, dese are funny one because she is from a part of New Yorks that got a lot of Jewish, dese Jewish are bust his balls because he is not a Jewish one. Hostie, he is even having two wedding, one on the Jewish where dey smash glass and dis oder one wid all those gangster who put a big revenue in dat bag. Dese are not godfader ganster wid a big expensive jacket, dese are guy like you are seeing all over the place.

Dey are hanging up with dis guy who is making a revenue selling wig to oder guy but want to do a big criminal at dis airport. Dis guy try to touch this Jewish on her body, but dis guy is hitting him many times on face with gun. 

Dis other guy, he is doing story about dese t'ing dat have happen on the life that he got. Dese police have ask him dose question and he tell deem that dey are have to fuck dere moder, weyon! Dese guy who listen to dat story are telling him dat he is a funny one, he is funny to the point were he could be doing a revenue on a big show like Celine at Cesar Palaces. Den this guy ask why he is a funny one, he ask dem if dey are t'inking he is clown, why they laugh like dat? Why dey do dat? He is just busting dere ball, dere is a big tension because he is having a joke wid dose guy. Everybody get happy and keep taking a beer togeder and eat a big poutine.

Then dis girl, she is a Jewish and want to do shopping, but dese guy are gangster, dey don't got a Visa. This Jewish is doing a blowjob on dat guy to get a revenue, chalis de tabarnak!

Dis guy who got dose wig, he give dese guy a way to do stealing, but dey are not giving him dat revenue, dey put a knife on dis guy, neck, den dey are having fight about if dat engine is a cold one. Tabarnak, dis guy got dead one dey are talking about if dat car has problem mechanical. Chalis de tabarnak!

All dese guy are sitting on cards playing pokers with a big revenue. Dat guy begin to bust the ball on dat guy, he is kid who is bringing drinks and sandwich. Dis guy is not an expert on listening, so dat guy bus dose ball all the time. Den dis kid says dat dat guy should make fuck. Holy tabarnak, dis guy get super mad and use gun to make shooting all over dat kid! Dis guy is going down because he got dead, fuck.

Den dis guy begin doing a revenue by selling a cocaines in that jail. The wife Jewish got piss because dis other woman got dere to dat jail and have probably give him blowjob at dat place. She is helping to make a revenue with dose drogues. Den he got dat big day, dese helicopsters are flying all over the place, he his making a big lunch and driving gun to dese different place but dere are helicopsters at every place dat he go to fuck. Dese are police 'oo finally go down and arress all dose people dat are aroun dese cocaines.

Dis guy got very afraid dat he is not having any more revenue and dat dese other guy will make kill on him. So he is telling police dese t'ing, dese other guy got so mad calice de tabarnak. Dese police are putting him away from oder gangster but he is living on a bungalow in dose suburbs and not doing crimes or taking drug, he want dat on life because it got excite. Mange donc un char de marde.

French Canadian Film Reviews: The Rum Diary

French Canadian Film Reviews: The Rum Diary
by Guy-Marie Tremblay, Special Correspondent to Wrenchlock Lounge
October 30, 2011



Shit Sandwich.

This Haiku Intentionally Left Blank

Crack crack crack crack crack

Crack crack crack crack crack crack crack

Need a match, goddess?

Muammar Al Gat

Hafi Moammar El-Ga

Don't get me started

Whole Foods won't sell Spam

In a bag or box or can

Suzanne Vega likes

iPad 2 app app

app warlock app crack OH FUCK

GIVE ME CRACK GODDESS!!!

Barbara Walters rubbed 

her mons while thinking of Qad

Daffi yeah yeah yeah

Elizabeth Tay

Lor once squirt-shit her gown at

Monaco's yacht club

That really wasn't

Newsworthy haiku but pro

Bably it is true

French Canadian Film Reviews: 2001: A Space Odyssey

Dese monkey are having a hard time to eat, fuck. Dey are picking strawberry but they spend time on worrying. Den dis t’ing, metal, come from the space. It impress dem calice de tabarnak!!!

Dese monkey are trying to make a dinner but are get fuck by cat. Dis metal remind dem that dey are ‘aving a super big lunch if dey got dose t’ing around dem as tool. You got your bone, you got your bat, baseball… (h)‘it pig you got a super big lunch, ostie.

Den dis bone go into the space. It go on voyage grand. This one take many year to finish, longer even than Celine going around the Eart’ and making a concert on dose Chinese. You got two guy who are on dat mission, dey are playing chess and jogging upside down.

You got this computer on that ship. He move all dese controls on this one. He cooks dese guy poutine, he is making machine work for dese guy ‘oo are almos dead on board dat ship. This computer and dese two other guy can give interview on the TV just like Celine and Nelson and Eddy. Dis computer got crazy by saying a part is fuck. This part is not fuck, dese guy tell him this part is not fuck, the computer jumeau at Eart’s also say the part should not be fuck.

These two guy in the space say dat this is not an obvious one dat dey got. They decided not to take a poutine or a beer with dis computer for a long time. Dey are going to fuck this computer brain for some time until dese guy who are boss on dat mission can look on it and find why it is fuck.

One of these guy decide to tes part that is fuck outside dis ship. The computer cut him, weyon! Eventually dat guy got dead, and eventually dat guy get back inside dis ship. Holy tabarnak....

This guy cut the computer from t’aught. This computer begin to make singing. Den dis guy is making anoder dimension. They are spending a big time showing the time he take to go into that dimension, fuck.

Then dis guy is ‘aving a full breakfast. He is taking a coffee, he got egg, he got bacon, he got toas, he got a juice. Den he see dis metal t’ing and decide he can look at Eart’ but from in the space looking at the Eart’.

Ostie.

WTF? Monkey At The Zoo Uses Frog For Oral Sex (frog rape) [Video]

French Canadian Film Reviews: Glengarry Glen Ross

Dis one is not an obvious one! Weyon.

Dese guy, they are making a sale on lands, but this is not a good land!

Dese guy are taking a beer togeder and a lunch chicken tao general at that bar, sometimes dey are taking a poutine with client dere. Dey all got office nex to dis one and dis car got dere, rouge. Dis is a very expensive one, this one impress dem all so much.

It rain so much on dat night dey t'ing dey should take a kayak! But dis guy tell dem dat dat company dat got dere business is make a new kind of revenue on that one. You can smell yourself Cadillac, you can get knife, steak, or you are going out into dat rain, fuck. If you are taking a coffee, it go down until dose guy buy this land dat you got.

Dis guy have not come to dat meeting because he is making a big bullshit on dis guy. He say, the life, this one is definitively someding dat you got, he try to make a big revenue wid dis guy. He say that if you got in a washroom making a shit for twelve hour it is like making a very intensive sex. He want to know from dis guy what kinna sex he got, his life and if this one is as good as this one he got now, Sacrament!

Dese other guy 'oo are were on dat meeting were dey make a big revenue, one from these guy say that dey make theif on dat lead. Dese lead are the best lead, dese one smells money, if you got dat one, you got one dat got Celine's number cellphone on dat weyon fuck bapteme simoaque chalice de tabarnak!!!

Somebody have make a thief on dat office, but nobody know 'oo dat one is. You got your lead, you got your contrac, you got your revenue. You got your phone, fuck.

Dey are all look for this guy, police want to talk to all dese guy but dey got to do a bullshit and dat will fuck dose guy. The boss of dose guy, he say you take dese one for today, but this guy who will get on top of dese knife, steak, he say he will not do this one! He will not do this one because it is a Patel one, dose one Patel one are going down, Tabarnak.

Dis guy is almost completing a bullshit with dis guy but police fuck on dat guy, weyon. This guy is not making a big revenue and say to boss he is better to make a job counting poutine. Not sell, fuck. But the way dey fuck him is because dis other guy say dat he know someding but he cannot know dis one unless he have make a thief of dese Celion Dion lead himself! He stole dem, we see dese money for dat one he sell on dat other guy who is making a good revenue.

This is not an abvious one! WHY YOU MAKE THAT!? What kinna film dat is?

All dese guy have been making a big curse and nobody like noding about dere job, fuck. WHY YOU MAKE THAT!? Oueste, Sacrament, Tabarnak.

CHALIS DE TABARNAK!

Qaddafi SheenQuake

Due to the very dramatic, edge-of-your-seat events in Japan, for which there is a seemingly unending supply of flip-phone video that will continue to surface for the next several weeks, Muamar Quadaffi, Charlie Sheen, and the Libyan people have officially been placed on vacation.

In Libya, all adult males between the ages of eighteen and sixty-eight have been issued a free one-year subscription to Smooth magazine, three cartons of Salem 100 cigarettes, and a complimentary re-print of the September 1984 issue of Penthouse (the one where you can see Vanessa Williams chomping box).

All male children sixteen and under have been given one coupon each, redeemable in White Castle's current "Happy Stomach, Happy Wallet©" promotion, for one (01) Saver Sack© meal, with choice of Coca Cola or Fanta Orangle flavor sodas, redeemable at participating White Castle locations in Tripoli, Tobruk, and Benghazi.

All Libyan women fourteen and over will be issued one (01) paperback copy of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, an eight-ounce tin of Vegan Friendly Cucumber Body Scrub with Naturally Exfoliating Apricot Shells, and one certified pre-owned Billy Ray Cyrus bum bauble (courtesy of Christian Children's Fund).

All Libyan girls thirteen and under will be issued "meet and greet" backstage passes for Justin Beiber's upcoming Summer 2011 North African "Awe, Shock, and Canadian Cock" tour.

Mr. Sheen is reportedly taking a quiet work week to revise his introduction to the re-print of Deepak Chopra's "Free to Love Free to Heal".

Mr. Quadaffi, it is rumored, will spend a calm week preparing his taxes, catching up on TiVo'd episodes of Teen Mom 2, and choosing new music for his MySpace page.

Glengarry Glen Grunt Sculpture

From: Reverend Louis Wrenchlock IV

To: J

J,

Against my will, I am taking a poo at the office. There are fucking 3/4 inch gaps in the panels around the stall and every motherfucker who washes his hands can see me sitting here typing and shitting.

THIS VIOLATES MY DIGNITY AS A HUMAN BEING.

What the fuck is this world coming to?

RLW

From: J

To: Reverend Louis Wrenchlock IV

Dude,

We have the same problem at work here, they situated the stall so that anyone washing their hands merely needs to turn their head slightly left and all your dignity is left bare.

I call it the crack of shame. Yeah you end up facing the hand washer while you try and work out a grunt sculpture. So much shame.

In Sweden stall walls run floor to ceiling...on all four sides!! Let's get some of that in North America. Maybe we should start with a Facebook like page.

Godspeed and good luck!

J

French Canadian Film Reviews: "The Kids are All Right" (released in French Canada as "Dese Kid are Good One, Dis Happen On Life")

You got dese womens, dey are being lesbian dat got kid. Dese are lesbian but 'aving relation normal, like dey got a bungalow, suburb. You got your minivans, you got your practice, soccer, you got your dinner. Dese kid don't got problem, nodt'ing, because their moder have made lesbian. Dese kid are two, you got your girl, you got boy.

Dese kid are good one. All kid dat age got dese t'ing growing up, dey wanna know 'ow dey figure out the life. This girl, she realize dese moders cannot be making dese kid by demself. Juliannes Moores is a good moder, she act very hippie wid dese guy, she tell dem dat dis guy t'row his sperm into a place where dey put a creme glacee and melt dis one later.

They got dose kid the same way Celine and Rene got Nelson and Eddy. Somedinglikedat.

Dis oder moder that they got, she t'ink she is being the man on dese guy. Dis one very demanding. Dis one personality not like Julianne. She could be very 'ard on kid, she tell dem dat they got to write t'anks note, dey got dese homeworks. All dese t'ing. Dis one and Julianne, when dey got a sex on each other, dey watch DVD like dey got in nightclub Parking. It is DVD for dese guy on gay lifestyle.

Weyon! They are watching these kinda DVD when ils sucent le chat. Sacrament ciboire! But dis girl make a way dat figure out who is this guy who freeze the sperm to make dem! Weyon tabarnak, fuck.

She find dis guy. Dis guy very different but he have make fader on them, so they got dese t'ing in common. Dis girl like dis guy. This guy a big opposite on saying you are making a t'ank you note tonight because I say you are doing dis one. Dis girl like dat guy.

These guy all take a big lunch togeder. Dey are five on dat dinner. Julianne like dis guy. This oder lesbian mad, fuck. She t'ink dis guy is not making a poutine like you should. But Julianne made a new business, dis guy say you can do that business, and Julianne start to do it. Dey are almost like dey are taking a beer togeder. While Julianne is dere at the bungalow this guy, they got a sex together and she want to do smoking!

Viarge tabarnak!

Dese kid find out dis happen, everybody find out. Dis guy have been assholes but it happen because he try to t'ink of different life, and dese parent all have dis happen do dem. Everbody got dat one when dey got forty, forty five. Somedinglikedat.

Annette Benning's is very upset on this one but dis is what happen in da life. The kid got mad but dey are okay. Dey look like they are not taking a wine or a poutine togeder for a while but den dey realize that dis is just the life and dey will eventually all got back to this place where dey can have a beer and a poutine.

Ostie.

French Canadian Film Reviews: The Social Network

This guy, he an expert on 'acking. In Arvards, this girl t'ink he is not good on the body language, so he write these softwares. This guy, 'acker, expert.

Dey got dese software already, udder guy say why dis software is a good one. You got your Friendsters you got your MySpaces, you got dese community, Geocity.

This is not a good one!

Dese guy say Aarvards people got that service because it is a good one. Arvards is the best one, Celine Dion would use this one. Dese guy are okay, sometime they are three or four taking a beer and sometime dey get a poutine.

Dese guy think that dis idea is the best one, but he take it and he make site web from dis one and don't tell dese other guy dat he is making this one.

Tabarnak!

Dese other guy go to 'ead of Arvards, dey say that this guy, he got thief on these guy. Dis 'ead say he don't care about dis one, dis guy is making 'acking very popular. Acking does is even get popular in Quebec province.

Dis guy afraid to do anyt'ing about what he got.

Den all dese guy are sue. In that movie dese are all having sue so many time that we see this one two time, fuck!

We see dat dese guy all are still taking a beer together but doing a lot of hour on dis site web. Justin Timberlakes impress dese guy so much! You got your caviar, you got your bottles, 1942, you got your appletini. Justin Timberlakes pays dem a lunch. Dis whole t'ing get so bigger that they are not all taking a beer together anymore.

All dese guy stop so much to have fight but first lawyer say that this guy got to pay dese other guy a lot of beer.

Dey are not having poutine together anymore.

Tabarnak!