Friday, March 25, 2011

This Haiku Intentionally Left Blank

Crack crack crack crack crack
Crack crack crack crack crack crack crack
Need a match, goddess?

Muammar Al Gat
Hafi Moammar El-Ga
Don't get me started

Whole Foods won't sell Spam
In a bag or box or can
Suzanne Vega likes

iPad 2 app app
app warlock app crack OH FUCK

Barbara Walters rubbed 
her mons while thinking of Qad
Daffi yeah yeah yeah

Elizabeth Tay
Lor once squirt-shit her gown at
Monaco's yacht club

That really wasn't
Newsworthy haiku but pro
Bably it is true

Monday, March 21, 2011

French Canadian Film Reviews: 2001: A Space Odyssey

Dese monkey are having a hard time to eat, fuck. Dey are picking strawberry but they spend time on worrying. Den dis t’ing, metal, come from the space. It impress dem calice de tabarnak!!!

Dese monkey are trying to make a dinner but are get fuck by cat. Dis metal remind dem that dey are ‘aving a super big lunch if dey got dose t’ing around dem as tool. You got your bone, you got your bat, baseball… (h)‘it pig you got a super big lunch, ostie.

Den dis bone go into the space. It go on voyage grand. This one take many year to finish, longer even than Celine going around the Eart’ and making a concert on dose Chinese. You got two guy who are on dat mission, dey are playing chess and jogging upside down.

You got this computer on that ship. He move all dese controls on this one. He cooks dese guy poutine, he is making machine work for dese guy ‘oo are almos dead on board dat ship. This computer and dese two other guy can give interview on the TV just like Celine and Nelson and Eddy. Dis computer got crazy by saying a part is fuck. This part is not fuck, dese guy tell him this part is not fuck, the computer jumeau at Eart’s also say the part should not be fuck.

These two guy in the space say dat this is not an obvious one dat dey got. They decided not to take a poutine or a beer with dis computer for a long time. Dey are going to fuck this computer brain for some time until dese guy who are boss on dat mission can look on it and find why it is fuck.

One of these guy decide to tes part that is fuck outside dis ship. The computer cut him, weyon! Eventually dat guy got dead, and eventually dat guy get back inside dis ship. Holy tabarnak....

This guy cut the computer from t’aught. This computer begin to make singing. Den dis guy is making anoder dimension. They are spending a big time showing the time he take to go into that dimension, fuck.

Then dis guy is ‘aving a full breakfast. He is taking a coffee, he got egg, he got bacon, he got toas, he got a juice. Den he see dis metal t’ing and decide he can look at Eart’ but from in the space looking at the Eart’.


WTF? Monkey At The Zoo Uses Frog For Oral Sex (frog rape) [Video]

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

French Canadian Film Reviews: Glengarry Glen Ross

Dis one is not an obvious one! Weyon.

Dese guy, they are making a sale on lands, but this is not a good land!

Dese guy are taking a beer togeder and a lunch chicken tao general at that bar, sometimes dey are taking a poutine with client dere. Dey all got office nex to dis one and dis car got dere, rouge. Dis is a very expensive one, this one impress dem all so much.

It rain so much on dat night dey t'ing dey should take a kayak! But dis guy tell dem dat dat company dat got dere business is make a new kind of revenue on that one. You can smell yourself Cadillac, you can get knife, steak, or you are going out into dat rain, fuck. If you are taking a coffee, it go down until dose guy buy this land dat you got.

Dis guy have not come to dat meeting because he is making a big bullshit on dis guy. He say, the life, this one is definitively someding dat you got, he try to make a big revenue wid dis guy. He say that if you got in a washroom making a shit for twelve hour it is like making a very intensive sex. He want to know from dis guy what kinna sex he got, his life and if this one is as good as this one he got now, Sacrament!

Dese other guy 'oo are were on dat meeting were dey make a big revenue, one from these guy say that dey make theif on dat lead. Dese lead are the best lead, dese one smells money, if you got dat one, you got one dat got Celine's number cellphone on dat weyon fuck bapteme simoaque chalice de tabarnak!!!

Somebody have make a thief on dat office, but nobody know 'oo dat one is. You got your lead, you got your contrac, you got your revenue. You got your phone, fuck.

Dey are all look for this guy, police want to talk to all dese guy but dey got to do a bullshit and dat will fuck dose guy. The boss of dose guy, he say you take dese one for today, but this guy who will get on top of dese knife, steak, he say he will not do this one! He will not do this one because it is a Patel one, dose one Patel one are going down, Tabarnak.

Dis guy is almost completing a bullshit with dis guy but police fuck on dat guy, weyon. This guy is not making a big revenue and say to boss he is better to make a job counting poutine. Not sell, fuck. But the way dey fuck him is because dis other guy say dat he know someding but he cannot know dis one unless he have make a thief of dese Celion Dion lead himself! He stole dem, we see dese money for dat one he sell on dat other guy who is making a good revenue.

This is not an abvious one! WHY YOU MAKE THAT!? What kinna film dat is?

All dese guy have been making a big curse and nobody like noding about dere job, fuck. WHY YOU MAKE THAT!? Oueste, Sacrament, Tabarnak.


Monday, March 14, 2011

Qaddafi SheenQuake

Due to the very dramatic, edge-of-your-seat events in Japan, for which there is a seemingly unending supply of flip-phone video that will continue to surface for the next several weeks, Muamar Quadaffi, Charlie Sheen, and the Libyan people have officially been placed on vacation.

In Libya, all adult males between the ages of eighteen and sixty-eight have been issued a free one-year subscription to Smooth magazine, three cartons of Salem 100 cigarettes, and a complimentary re-print of the September 1984 issue of Penthouse (the one where you can see Vanessa Williams chomping box).

All male children sixteen and under have been given one coupon each, redeemable in White Castle's current "Happy Stomach, Happy Wallet©" promotion, for one (01) Saver Sack© meal, with choice of Coca Cola or Fanta Orangle flavor sodas, redeemable at participating White Castle locations in Tripoli, Tobruk, and Benghazi.

All Libyan women fourteen and over will be issued one (01) paperback copy of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, an eight-ounce tin of Vegan Friendly Cucumber Body Scrub with Naturally Exfoliating Apricot Shells, and one certified pre-owned Billy Ray Cyrus bum bauble (courtesy of Christian Children's Fund).

All Libyan girls thirteen and under will be issued "meet and greet" backstage passes for Justin Beiber's upcoming Summer 2011 North African "Awe, Shock, and Canadian Cock" tour.

Mr. Sheen is reportedly taking a quiet work week to revise his introduction to the re-print of Deepak Chopra's "Free to Love Free to Heal".

Mr. Quadaffi, it is rumored, will spend a calm week preparing his taxes, catching up on TiVo'd episodes of Teen Mom 2, and choosing new music for his MySpace page.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Glengarry Glen Grunt Sculpture

From: Reverend Louis Wrenchlock IV

To: J


Against my will, I am taking a poo at the office. There are fucking 3/4 inch gaps in the panels around the stall and every motherfucker who washes his hands can see me sitting here typing and shitting.


What the fuck is this world coming to?


From: J

To: Reverend Louis Wrenchlock IV


We have the same problem at work here, they situated the stall so that anyone washing their hands merely needs to turn their head slightly left and all your dignity is left bare.

I call it the crack of shame. Yeah you end up facing the hand washer while you try and work out a grunt sculpture. So much shame.

In Sweden stall walls run floor to ceiling...on all four sides!! Let's get some of that in North America. Maybe we should start with a Facebook like page.

Godspeed and good luck!