Friday, October 16, 2009

It's okay to endanger children to further your status as a web celebrity!

I know that its de rigueur for the media to be all squankled, flimmixed, and asunder these days, so to point out something truly and wickedly fucked to the max is a bit like mentioning that Joan Rivers’ cooter looks like an Arby’s double-decked roast beef sandwich about to pass through a black hole and into another dimension.

(If you don’t get that comparison / image / whatever, I’m really sorry, okay? When I came up with the notion of Ms. River’s fuzzbox having a multi-dimensional form factor, if you will, the phrase I typed seemed right and true and obvious, like a Quebecois haggling with a barista over the price of a latte. Going back now to read the description and to try to piece it together, however, I can see several different ways to put it better, and quite frankly I think that whole paragraph sux horse cox and is off topic, but what the fuck, right? I mean the thing about America is that if you said you done it, and you done it, you done it, it’s there, it’s done, and you done did it, and you done better move on to the next thing you want done.)

(Oh, sorry, Joan Rivers and Arby’s. I’m sure all of you have really nice shiny cooters and beef and are wonderful people who would never in a million years think about passing through a singularity, and are very sympathetic especially to Cambodian infants born addicted to crack.)

Here’s the thing: The day after the great hoaxy-hoax I’ll-do-anything-to-become-a-web-celebrity-even-if-means-endangering-my-kid balloon incident, ran the following headline:

Dad grateful 'balloon boy' still among us.

People love lists of ten, so here is a list of nine hypothetical headlines of precisely equal relevance:

Chimpanzee thinks about Jesus Christ.

Kitten perplexed with other kitten's piss.

Grandmother despondent over rhombic cookie dough deploy.

Horse excited at prospect of releasing gas through asshole.

Chicken pleased it is not dead.

Earthworm contemplates T.S. Eliot as ancient Egyptian service animal.

Girlfriend reminded of last night's orgasm while taping Fed Ex box shut.

Retarded factory worker reminisces about time he pounded own pudding to Gilligan’s Island episode.

Author perplexed by fact that “Gilligan” is apparently in Microsoft Word dictionary, strongly reconsiders prospect of recreational drug use.

1 comment:

  1. Dude. You are fucked up and completely brilliant. My cat thinks so, too.