Monday, March 14, 2011

Qaddafi SheenQuake

Due to the very dramatic, edge-of-your-seat events in Japan, for which there is a seemingly unending supply of flip-phone video that will continue to surface for the next several weeks, Muamar Quadaffi, Charlie Sheen, and the Libyan people have officially been placed on vacation.

In Libya, all adult males between the ages of eighteen and sixty-eight have been issued a free one-year subscription to Smooth magazine, three cartons of Salem 100 cigarettes, and a complimentary re-print of the September 1984 issue of Penthouse (the one where you can see Vanessa Williams chomping box).

All male children sixteen and under have been given one coupon each, redeemable in White Castle's current "Happy Stomach, Happy Wallet©" promotion, for one (01) Saver Sack© meal, with choice of Coca Cola or Fanta Orangle flavor sodas, redeemable at participating White Castle locations in Tripoli, Tobruk, and Benghazi.

All Libyan women fourteen and over will be issued one (01) paperback copy of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, an eight-ounce tin of Vegan Friendly Cucumber Body Scrub with Naturally Exfoliating Apricot Shells, and one certified pre-owned Billy Ray Cyrus bum bauble (courtesy of Christian Children's Fund).

All Libyan girls thirteen and under will be issued "meet and greet" backstage passes for Justin Beiber's upcoming Summer 2011 North African "Awe, Shock, and Canadian Cock" tour.

Mr. Sheen is reportedly taking a quiet work week to revise his introduction to the re-print of Deepak Chopra's "Free to Love Free to Heal".

Mr. Quadaffi, it is rumored, will spend a calm week preparing his taxes, catching up on TiVo'd episodes of Teen Mom 2, and choosing new music for his MySpace page.

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